Big Feelings

Parenting is SUPER Hard! One of my goals with this blog is to help shed light on the not so beautiful parts of parenting. Because there are a lot of foggy days! It seems that having kids is something that many of us feel we have to do to feel complete or we might regret not doing it some day. While these feelings might be true, the reality of having kids is nothing like what I envisioned. I daydreamed about having teachable moments and doing art projects and riding bikes with my always smiling children. I dreamed about how much love I would have and the euphoric feeling of bringing a life into the world and never wanting to be away from them. I was nostalgic for the childhood I remember of waffles on Saturdays and camping trips and my parents cheering me on at rowing regattas.

For me, it turned out that being a parent was full of many emotions. The ones that caught me off guard were sadness, anger, rage, frustration, fatigue, loneliness, fear, desperation. 

I have experienced depression and anxiety on and off most of my adult life. I also knew that PostPartum Depression could be a real thing for me once my first child was born. Expecting something and actually experiencing it are very different things. I thought I could manage it if I started to get down after my daughter was born, but I was not prepared for the exhaustion and feeling of being overwhelmed and alone. Even though I was never alone (there was a cute little screaming baby on me 24/7) I was isolated from the world and people who understood what I was going through. In Addition, I was surprised that I didn’t instantly love this helpless creature who couldn’t bear to be away from me. It took a few weeks to bond and eventually I came to really love my daughter. 

Once the excitement of having a newborn wore off, the fog really settled in for me. I was tired, my breasts hurt and leaked, I was still bleeding and I was starving all the time. I was miserable! I kept waiting for the fun part to start. 

This is not the experience for every new mom. This was just my experience. I have now learned that there are coping skills and tools. Taking care of myself is crucial to my survival and to the emotional health of my family. Maybe some of the things that have worked for me can help you. Maybe things that have worked for you can help me. 

I just keep telling myself we’re all just doing the best we can!!