It has been 5 months since I’ve posted to my Blog. When the world shut down for the pandemic, so did I. I was able to muster enough strength to care for my family and that was all. I came to terms with the fact that I was not going to be able to continue my Blog for the time being. I also found that when I was writing, I was actively experiencing tough emotions. Since I had no bandwidth to deal with the heavy emotions, I didn’t. But now I’m ready to get back to it. The following is a journal that I kept during shelter-in-place in an effort to document my experience and keep writing (with the hope of publishing it later when I was ready).
Thursday March 19
We are 6 days into the covid-19 shelter-in-place, which officially started 3 days ago, but school closed last Friday and that’s when I feel that this ordeal began. I am only starting my journal now because the last week has been so chaotic and overwhelming that I only just now thought to start a journal about it. The 4 of us are at home for the next 2.5 weeks, but it is very likely that this will last through May. The situation is this: the schools are closed, all not-essential businesses are closed and we are strongly encouraged to stay at home and only go out for food or medicine. We can go out to exercise but need to stay at least 6 feet away from other people. This is to reduce the speed of the spread of the covid-19 virus so the health care system doesn’t get overwhelmed with patients. This allows people who get really sick a chance to be treated and reduces the risk of death from the virus. I am 100% on board for “flattening the curve”. But the emotional strain is overwhelming! I am with my kids 24/7. I get some breaks when my husband takes a break from work, but that’s it. I can stay up late (like I’m doing right now) to do my work or I can choose to not do it at all. Everything I’ve been working on for the last 6 months is just put aside. There’s no time to do it. I am all mom and no Morgan. I know that as we adjust to this new normal I will be able to figure out how to fit in my stuff eventually. But for now I am trying to be compassionate to myself and take advantage of spending the time with my girls, who are learning to play together. Each day the hair pulling and biting and hitting is less. And today they had a good game of Mommy and baby going together. I was even able to do some cooking today without tripping on a kid and policing the fighting.
This situation has brought out a lot of different emotions in me. Fear for my family and the world. Anxiety for our financial future. Concern for my friends and their well being. I miss my mom and sister and wish I could go see them. We had a pretty good day today, but I worry about my depression setting in. We have to stay active and eat healthy. We need to get our homework done (mine and my daughter’s). We will get through this!
Friday, March 20
Today was Rough! I stayed up too late last night having kid-free time and today I’m too tired. My drippy nose is not helping. We did start the day with a run which I’m so grateful for!! We had a video call date with my younger daughter’s teacher and her daughter. It was so cute and lovely to see her, until my older daughter started freaking out and screaming and hitting the phone and then licking my phone. We had to end the call because I couldn’t get her to call down. I was so sad after we hung up because I really wanted to talk to our teacher and it was so cute watching our little daughters show each other their stuffies and toys. I was also really embarrassed. My older daughter does this every time we get on a video call. It’s like she doesn’t know how to act so she goes bonkers. Maybe it has to do with me giving someone else my attention. We’re going to have to get used to video calls because that’s one of the only ways we get to see people for awhile. Tomorrow is the weekend, but it will be more of the same. Hopefully my husband and I can tag team a bit so we both get some stuff done and a break.
Saturday March 21
Today I got to go for a 6 mile run in Golden Gate Park with a friend (6 feet apart). It was so good to be out and talking with my friend and feeling supported and relaxed. While I am naturally introverted, I am feeling the isolation of not being able to see people in person. It is funny to think that if I didn’t have kids, shelter-in-place would seem perfectly lovely for me. I wouldn’t have to leave the house or talk to people. I could work on my stuff and watch grown-up tv whenever I wanted.
Back to today. We had a good day. My husband and I were able to get some cleaning and other stuff done around the house. We took turns listening for the girls to start screaming at each other. I had the energy to intervene in constructive ways instead of going straight to yelling. I even convinced my kindergartner to do some homework. We watched Star Wars and had a pretty nice day. Hopefully tomorrow the girls will let us sleep in a little. I’ve stayed up too late again.
Sunday March 22
We did pretty well again today. I got to sleep in and my husband made breakfast. Then we went for a bike ride. The girls went in the trailer behind daddy’s bike. I was surprised at how crazy it was out by the ocean. There were so many people out it looked like a normal spring Sunday. My husband said he thought it looked like people were keeping 6 feet apart, but it was tricky to dodge all the people. Riding in the traffic was a bit uncomfortable, but the ride was great.
Exercising had been my saving grace through this crazy time. I still think I’ve already gained 3 pounds from all the stress baking I’m doing. Getting enough sleep is also going to be crucial for my mental health. When I get tired I just get grumpy and mopey. But today was great because my husband and I could take turns watching the girls. We both got naps while the other played with the girls.
Back to Monday again tomorrow. My daughter’s kindergarten class is doing a daily reading group at 1 so we’ll see how that goes. Hopefully she won’t go crazy seeing her friends. Good thing I know how to mute our window in Zoom.
Still wrapping my head around the fact that we probably won’t be going back to school any time soon. I hope I can find a way to help my daughter enjoy reading. I don’t want her to fall behind because I get tired of helping her to do her school work.
Tuesday March 24
Today was challenging. I was so tired from the second I got up that I was just grumpy. After breakfast I took the girls for a long walk to the park to climb trees and scooter. It started out well but before we got to the trees my older daughter started telling me she was bored and that she didn’t want to ride her scooter any more. When we finally got to the trees my older daughter just wanted to tell me that I was a bad mommy and that I ruined everything. Then there was another boy who wanted to climb the trees and I had to pull my daughter off the tree because she was getting too close. I felt like such a jerk. Not only to my daughter but to the little boy climbing the tree. My daughter continued to say mean things to me and I continued to get more grumpy. We limped our way home on the scooters until I finally just put them both in the stroller and busted home.
Wednesday March 25
Today the school announced that it will be closed until May 1st. Which is not surprising as there has been a lot of talk about not opening again until the summer. It just sucks for it to be official.
This morning we all imploded. Both girls and both parents had meltdowns at the same time and no one could help anyone. My husband told me he couldn’t do this anymore and he took the day off work. We managed to regroup and had a pretty good day together. We got some stuff done around the house and the girls managed to play together without killing each other.
Thursday March 26
Today I am weepy. I just need to cry. I’m tired from being up late at a preschool Board meeting. My husband told me that we did a reset yesterday and that I shouldn’t be sad. But it takes more than one day to get through these things. I have emotions everyday and I need to get them out. Just because I’m sad doesn’t mean I’m in crisis mode.
