Author: Morgan Fenner

My name is Morgan and I'm the mom to 2 girls. My husband, the girls and I live on the California Coast where the fog is thick and cold through most of the summer. Really it can be foggy anytime of the year. Between the foggy days there are bright clear warm days, and this is my metaphor for life with my kids. Being a parent is hard and can feel like a foggy cold slog. But sometimes there are bright clear warm days that make it worthwhile. I invite you to read my story and know that every story is different and we're all in this parenting community together.

2023

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

It’s been a long while since I posted to my website. I’ve been busy, and not, and list all the excuses here. The truth is, sometimes I just don’t want to share what’s on my mind.

The last 18 months have been an interesting journey as I take a proactive approach to managing my Depression. There are so many pieces to the puzzle and it takes work to stay on top of it all. Then there’s the tasks and events of real life in addition.

I’ve been doing well and feeling more like myself. There is anxiety about relapse and every feeling of fatigue or sadness feels like I’m beginning the downward spiral. I have recently learned that these physical feelings are just sensations that my body feels. I put labels and emotion on them. Being tired is not depression. Feeling overwhelmed is only my body telling me to slow down and think about what needs to be done. It’s so interesting that taking a breath and not allowing my body to go to the heart fluttery nauseous tummy place keeps me in check. The habits, labels, and expectations I’ve put on these anxious feelings has been a big part of the problem all along. I try to be mindful of how my body is feeling.

Other things that have improved for me are not being so selfish in thinking a harsh tone from someone means I’ve done something wrong or disappointed them. This is especially true in my home. Anyone can feel strong emotions and it may not have anything to do with me or the current situation.

I wish I could say that I was able to just change my attitude, but it has taken medication, therapy, exercise, and time for myself to get to where I am. As with anything in life I must enjoy the journey and not long for a finish line. Being content and satisfied happens in the present.

I am Enough

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

I have been climbing out of a depressive episode over the last few months and I am finally feeling like a normal person again. Of course, by normal, I mean not being overwhelmed by sadness or numbness to the point that I could not function in the outside world. I have been taking steps to recover and I have worked hard to find relief. I was not able to bootstrap myself up alone. Therapy, medication, and family support all played parts in the puzzle. I am still working to continue my upward journey. Exercise and social interaction are some of the biggest factors in my continued success. I have been enjoying talking with people and I have felt less fear about putting myself out in the world, and opening myself to judgment and opinions. One of the things that I have been able to do for myself lately is believe in my own worthiness to exist. It still feels a bit like bragging but I am writing this for myself and other people’s opinions are their own. 

I am enough. This body is enough. I deserve to hold space in this world and society. I am strong, kind and compassionate. I have survived 41 years of economical, political, emotional, and cultural ups and downs. My body has been pregnant 3 times and given birth twice. This body has loved, lost, hated, and recovered. It has felt the pain and numbness of postpartum depression and major depression. It has felt the love and encouragement of family and friends. This body gives really good hugs. It can ride a bike and run and hike and challenge itself physically. It enjoys cookies, cake and candy. The shape of this body is the result of a life lived.  This body can push through overwhelming fatigue to get to the end of the day and wake up the next morning to do it all again. This human can set aside her own needs to care for others and then realize that her own needs are important too. This body is perfect in its imperfection. I am what I am and that is enough.

Depression

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

Disclaimer: This is a very personal post and is a description of how I feel during a bad episode of Depression. If you are triggered by talk of depression or suicide, please skip this one. I am currently getting help and am not at risk of harming myself. If you are thinking of harming yourself or someone around you please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800.273.8255. There is nothing glamorous about depression and my words are my way of sharing with others what it’s like for me and that if you also experience depression, you are not alone!

Every day is a rainy stormy day and I want to cozy up in bed and pull the covers over my head. The light hurts my eyes. I have so little control over the thoughts that go through my head that I have to keep my headphones on playing anything that will distract me from the negative words. The smallest upset triggers tears and pain in my chest. I feel out of control, overwhelmed and weak. The things that should bring me joy make me numb or feel guilty. I am a failure as a human. Maybe I shouldn’t be a human anymore.

The world feels foggy and blurry and it’s as if I have weights on my shoulders that make it hard to stand up straight. I don’t understand how everyone keeps going on with their lives when I can barely get myself out bed and I’m instantly irritated by my kids who are too loud and move too fast. I’m supposed to be happy and joyous because my life is so great. I have 2 beautiful daughters and a husband and a house and plenty to eat. Why do I feel like I am a failure at life?

I worry too much about how others feel and what they think. I see a friend and when they ask how I’m doing, I say “I’m good” with my fingers crossed behind my back. I’m convinced that everyone secretly thinks I’m stupid and a horrible person and parent. Their smiles are fake and once I leave they will be relived that they don’t have to be around me anymore.

I’m in a constant state of exhaustion. It doesn’t matter how much sleep I get, which is hard to get due to insomnia. I’m tired and my face hurts and my eyes might fall out of my head from crying. Sometimes I’m too numb to cry. I want to be awake in the night when it’s dark and I want to be asleep during the day because the light is too bright. I want to wear my sunglasses inside. Maybe I can find time for a nap so I don’t have to live this day.

Food is not interesting. It looks gross and it tastes gross. But I know that if I don’t eat my low blood sugar will make me feel worse. So I eat junk, which tastes gross, but who cares?

Now I’m feeling like I won’t survive. I keep thinking, I can’t do this anymore. I’m done. Somehow I claw my way to the end of the day. Victory! I’ve survived the day and I can rest. Well, I wish I could. The voice in my head keeps reminding me that I’m a failure of a human, a mom, a friend. Everyone is disappointed in me because I didn’t get done all the things I needed to get done. It won’t shut up. So I distract myself with a movie, or an audio book or podcast. I’ve been lying in bed for 4 hours now. I’m so tired that I want to cry. And now I’m feeling anxious that tomorrow will be harder because I’m not getting a good night sleep. Now one of the girls is up and I have to go help them. I know once I’m out of bed it will take an hour to fall asleep. My exhaustion finally takes me into unconsciousness. When the alarm goes off, I feel worse than I did yesterday. My nap hasn’t helped ease the fatigue. And now I have to do it all again. The overwhelm is so heavy that I physically feel heavier. I will survive the day because somehow I always do. I think, if I only had a break, but that wont help. Nothing helps.

When I’m in a depressive episode it feels like there’s nothing that will get me out of it. I do all the things. I exercise, I eat healthy, I go outside and get some sun. But I can’t help but succumb and crumble to floor in puddle of sadness and anger. It’s as if a toxic fog has infiltrated my brain and heart. It has soaked through to every cell of me and refuses to release me. Its triumph is the sacrifice of my heart’s love and life.

I know that I am not alone in my experience of depression. Which gives me hope and also makes me sad. I don’t wish feeling like this on any one. I am working on getting better and I know that the journey will have its ups and down. While I don’t need to be a bubbly excited person, I would like to be a functioning person. I want to find joy and confidence and move past fear and constant doubt in myself. I don’t want to fight my physiology anymore. I want to live in the sun and smile just because I’m alive.

Thought Distortions

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

My daughter is struggling right now will feelings of rejection and failure at school. She is using broad generalizations describing how “all the kids tell her that her work is ugly”, or “nobody wants to play with me”. These are horrible things to hear out of your 8 year old’s mouth. It is triggering for me because I think the same things about myself and I’m in my 40s. I don’t want my daughter to have to go through life feeling like she is anything less than perfect. I tell her that “daddy and I will love her no matter what, forever”. I have also tried to give her the mantra: “I’m still learning and that’s ok!” It hasn’t stuck yet, but we’re working on it, and that’s ok!

I know that a part of this distorted thinking is inborn personality, but most of it has to have been learned. Have I been telling her that she’s not good enough? What are my actions that are causing her to think that she has to be perfect in school for people to like her? I’m already freaking out about how difficult middle school and high school will be with cell phones and social media. Kids can be real assholes sometimes. I thought I’d have more time before we had to deal with this.

I have personally been working to reframe my own thought distortions. I often make generalizations like, “no one cares what I have to say”, or “I always say the wrong thing”. When I’m thinking these thoughts, I truly believe them wholeheartedly. When it is pointed out to me that I’ve had this thought, I can realize that, yes, sometimes I say the wrong thing, but most of time I’m on the right track. And there are enough people who care what I have to say. I’m not trying to be famous. Actually, I’d rather not be famous. These thought distortions lead to core beliefs like “I am not worthy of people’s love or attention”. I have held this core belief for my whole life. I am working to shift my thought patterns and reframe the way I talk to myself, but it will take time. I know that I cannot go back and relive the past (I really don’t want to), but I wonder where in my past these thoughts took root and what could I have done differently. Maybe there is an insight that I can use to help my daughters feel confident in their skin regardless of the crap going on around them.

I want to make sure that my daughter changes this thought pattern before it becomes a core belief. We have been having nice conversations lately where she talks about her experiences and I explain to her that the only person who’s opinion matters is her own. She cannot compare herself to anyone else. She is perfect just the way she is, and any “imperfections” make her unique. Anyone who is her real friend will like her for exactly who she is, and she will choose people to be her friends because she is drawn to their uniqueness too. I think the best thing I can do as a parent is keep the communication open. I want her to feel like she can tell me anything and we can talk about the hard stuff. I need her to know that I’m here for her even when it feels like no one else is. We can grow up together and hopefully help each other trust that we are enough.

Anger

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

I have written a dozen or so blog posts in the last year, but I have not published any of them. This last year and half has just been too emotionally challenging for me and my family. My girls were home from school and we spent all day every day with each other. My husband has been working from home exclusively as well. I hope that in the future I look back and think how lucky I was to have spent so much time with my girls when they were little. Right now, all I feel is frustration, resentment and anger. I’m angry that our lives were disrupted by the pandemic. I’m angry that both of my girls seem to be behind in their social emotional development. I’m angry that it feels like my fault because their only model for how to be human for a year was a grumpy depressed mommy who is resentful of having to put her life on hold to take care of two girls who are whiney and often ungrateful for the sacrifice she has made.

Now that the girls are finally back in school I have the opportunity to do some therapy. I finally have a chance to breath and take care of myself. For so long I pushed all the emotions down and chose not to feel anything. Now that I have some free time, the flood gates are opening wide and I often find myself crying for undefined reasons. I know that I need to deal with all the frustrations as a result of the pandemic, but it’s hard and usually doesn’t feel very good.

One of the things I am working on right now is understanding that my negative feelings are fueling my anger. It’s like my anger is the tip of a huge iceberg, and below the surface are all the negative emotions I have been feeling since March 2020. It has been interesting to reflect back on the last 18 months and realize that all the times that I was screaming at my kids was partly the result of all the underlying feelings that feed my anger. I am frustrated that I had to quit working just as I was beginning to go back to work. I’m mad that I had been doing so much work emotionally to get through my postpartum depression only to have to shut myself away in quarantine. I’m stressed that my girls will get behind socially and academically. I’m sad that my daughter keeps screaming at me and I don’t know how to help her. I’m grieving for the friendships that I have lost and those I am not cultivating because I’m too shy to reach out to anyone. I’m tired of always being with my family and not having any time alone. I’m anxious about letting my family back out into the world where they could get sick and possibly have health consequences for the rest of their lives. And on and on until I’m drowning in a sea of despair.

I know that the pandemic is far from over. But at least there is hope again. I know that there are safe environments to be with people. Going to the store or sitting outside at a restaurant are not dangerous. My girls are used to wearing masks and I feel that the risk of going to school is worth it, not only for their emotional and academic health but also for mine. I am also able to reflect in the moment about what is feeding my anger (some of the time), which is helping me to have space for my girls when they are angry. While the patience is still not unlimited, there is a little more of it to be found. I am finding that I am able to help my girls a little more with their own anger, even if all I can do is notice that the tantrum is a result of anger (with it’s underlying emotions). I am also learning to reframe my thinking in ways that defuse my anger. This morning I chose to get out of bed to help my girls get ready and be on time for school. Today I get to do laundry and dishes and make dinner. Hopefully I’ll continue to learn techniques for quieting my anger. For now, I’m choosing to be proud of myself for trying.

April 2020

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

As the Shelter-in-place order continued, I experienced so many emotions. The “new normal” settled in and I had a hard time wrapping my brain around it. I had spent so much energy trying to find ways to cope with being a parent before the pandemic and most of my strategies involved spending time away from my girls. Once that opportunity was taken away I immediately began to struggle. April was full of challenges and scary emotions. My journal from April helps me to see that we’ve come a long way in the last few months.

Thursday April 2

I’m feeling hopeless and useless today, and for the first time since this shelter-in-place business started I’m feeling truly depressed. I’m scared because I’m feeling exactly how I did 2 years ago when I was deep in my postpartum depression and just surviving each day. I get to the end of the day and I am so grateful because I’ve made it. When I wake up in the morning the sense of overwhelm and sadness causes my heart to race and my head hurts and the light is too bright. I want to stay in bed all day and hide. But I can’t because there are 2 little girls jumping on me. I don’t even have the option to call the babysitter, or go to the zoo or playground. We could go for a walk or bike ride, but no chance of meeting up with friends to play. There is rarely a chance to talk to adults either. Any time I try to talk with someone on the phone or video call or even from the window, my older daughter switches into freak out mode and starts screaming and running around like an insane monkey. I’m exhausted by lunchtime and even when my husband is done working I’m still on the job. Not until I’m asleep do I get an actual break. I have done minimal writing or work on my pre-quarantine projects.

The girls are emotional too. But I can’t help them because I don’t have the patience. My older daughter needs to kick and scream and call me names to get her emotions out and I can’t handle it. My younger daughter needs to rage too. Her last tantrum involved all the curse words I say under my breath. At least she’s using the words properly.

I’m not sure how we’re going to get through this. I know we will, but it’s not going to be pretty. My older daughter refuses to do school work, or even just read or write.

Sunday April 5

Today was rough. I keep thinking it should be easier with two parents on duty, but I think it’s actually harder. I think we both get triggered by different things and our tolerance and patience are at different levels and we handle situations differently based on that. I am not as strict about setting and holding a limit. Which means I tend to get walked on by the girls more than he does. But being so strict doesn’t feel good to me. I want to give my girls a chance before I follow through with the consequences. My husband is good at holding his limit and not giving in to crying. He does know when to back off and just give her a hug too. I am more likely to get frustrated and mad and need to walk away when the girls need me to just stop and hug them. It’s hard to know the difference when I’m so angry and don’t want anyone to touch me. When there are 2 of us parenting I also don’t react as fast to the screaming. When it’s just me 5 days a week I know that I have to drop everything every time they start screaming or call for help. On the weekend I can wait and see if daddy will help first.

Now, at the end if the day, we are both exhausted and desperate for the girls to go to sleep. Not only do we need to get some sleep, but we need to get the household tasks done that we couldn’t do during the day. We spent all day with two girls who are going stir crazy from the rain and being home from school. They need their schools and teachers and friends. They need their swim class and rock climbing and gymnastics and soccer and the play dates. I need a break!

Thursday April 9

The last few days have been emotional. After next week my husband will be furloughed and will no longer be working.

Tuesday April 14

Keeping up with my journal has proven to be a challenge. My days are maxed out with my 2 girls and any down time I have is spent sleeping or vegging. I’m not in the mood to write because it means I have to sit with my emotions and feelings, and when I’m tired, it doesn’t feel good. I’m wiped out. My older daughter has begun distance learning and is now required to finish her assignments and upload them to her teacher’s website. We are 3 days in and we’re already 13 assignments behind. I know that it’s only Kindergarten and it doesn’t really matter, but I’m the kind of person who turns in all her homework. The fact that I can’t zero it out at the end of the day drives my anxiety sky high.

My younger daughter is starting to behave badly now because I can’t give her attention all the time. I have to help sissy on the computer so little sissy goes crazy and acts out, and now I’m super overwhelmed and I’m screaming at both of them and we are all crying.

The silver lining is that my big girl can now rollerskate and my little girl is about to learn to ride a peddle bike all by herself. I’m getting into pretty good running shape (even if my waistline is expanding). 

One day at a time. 

Friday April 17

Today is my younger daughter’s 3rd Birthday. I think we managed to make it a special day. I think that a 3 year old won’t really remember sheltering-in-place let alone her 3rd birthday. She got to do a zoom meeting with her preschool class mates, but we didn’t get her a present. Fortunately, her uncle and grandma sent packages and saved the day! Maybe next year it will be safe enough to have a birthday party.

Monday April 27

It’s been awhile since I wrote anything. I can’t seem to manage to write more than a few sentences anyway.

I have Zoom fatigue. And so do my kids. Interacting with people via video is just not the same as real life. I can’t stand watching my older daughter make faces into the camera. She even starts licking the camera (This has happened many times). She can’t stay focused and I get embarrassed and frustrated. We’ve actually stopped joining most meetings. My younger daughter just walks away and leaves an empty frame. I can’t find my voice when I’m on a meeting. I don’t normally speak up anyway, but this platform exaggerates my anxiety and self conciseness. If I am on a social meeting, I don’t know how to excuse myself. I can do one on one, but even then, it’s awkward. I even feel it talking to my mom sometimes. This is one of the reason’s I hate talking on the phone. Anytime there is silence, I get nervous. I’m ready to have real life dates with friends. I’m ready for my girls to be able to be around people again. I hope they don’t come out of this socially stunted (I know they wont, kids are incredibly adaptable).

March 2020

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

It has been 5 months since I’ve posted to my Blog. When the world shut down for the pandemic, so did I. I was able to muster enough strength to care for my family and that was all. I came to terms with the fact that I was not going to be able to continue my Blog for the time being. I also found that when I was writing, I was actively experiencing tough emotions. Since I had no bandwidth to deal with the heavy emotions, I didn’t. But now I’m ready to get back to it. The following is a journal that I kept during shelter-in-place in an effort to document my experience and keep writing (with the hope of publishing it later when I was ready).

Thursday March 19

We are 6 days into the covid-19 shelter-in-place, which officially started 3 days ago, but school closed last Friday and that’s when I feel that this ordeal began. I am only starting my journal now because the last week has been so chaotic and overwhelming that I only just now thought to start a journal about it. The 4 of us are at home for the next 2.5 weeks, but it is very likely that this will last through May. The situation is this: the schools are closed, all not-essential businesses are closed and we are strongly encouraged to stay at home and only go out for food or medicine. We can go out to exercise but need to stay at least 6 feet away from other people. This is to reduce the speed of the spread of the covid-19 virus so the health care system doesn’t get overwhelmed with patients. This allows people who get really sick a chance to be treated and reduces the risk of death from the virus. I am 100% on board for “flattening the curve”. But the emotional strain is overwhelming! I am with my kids 24/7. I get some breaks when my husband takes a break from work, but that’s it. I can stay up late (like I’m doing right now) to do my work or I can choose to not do it at all. Everything I’ve been working on for the last 6 months is just put aside. There’s no time to do it. I am all mom and no Morgan. I know that as we adjust to this new normal I will be able to figure out how to fit in my stuff eventually. But for now I am trying to be compassionate to myself and take advantage of spending the time with my girls, who are learning to play together. Each day the hair pulling and biting and hitting is less. And today they had a good game of Mommy and baby going together. I was even able to do some cooking today without tripping on a kid and policing the fighting. 

This situation has brought out a lot of different emotions in me. Fear for my family and the world. Anxiety for our financial future. Concern for my friends and their well being. I miss my mom and sister and wish I could go see them. We had a pretty good day today, but I worry about my depression setting in. We have to stay active and eat healthy. We need to get our homework done (mine and my daughter’s). We will get through this!

Friday, March 20

Today was Rough! I stayed up too late last night having kid-free time and today I’m too tired. My drippy nose is not helping. We did start the day with a run which I’m so grateful for!! We had a video call date with my younger daughter’s teacher and her daughter. It was so cute and lovely to see her, until my older daughter started freaking out and screaming and hitting the phone and then licking my phone. We had to end the call because I couldn’t get her to call down. I was so sad after we hung up because I really wanted to talk to our teacher and it was so cute watching our little daughters show each other their stuffies and toys. I was also really embarrassed. My older daughter does this every time we get on a video call. It’s like she doesn’t know how to act so she goes bonkers. Maybe it has to do with me giving someone else my attention. We’re going to have to get used to video calls because that’s one of the only ways we get to see people for awhile. Tomorrow is the weekend, but it will be more of the same. Hopefully my husband and I can tag team a bit so we both get some stuff done and a break.

Saturday March 21

Today I got to go for a 6 mile run in Golden Gate Park with a friend (6 feet apart). It was so good to be out and talking with my friend and feeling supported and relaxed. While I am naturally introverted, I am feeling the isolation of not being able to see people in person. It is funny to think that if I didn’t have kids, shelter-in-place would seem perfectly lovely for me. I wouldn’t have to leave the house or talk to people. I could work on my stuff and watch grown-up tv whenever I wanted.

Back to today. We had a good day. My husband and I were able to get some cleaning and other stuff done around the house. We took turns listening for the girls to start screaming at each other. I had the energy to intervene in constructive ways instead of going straight to yelling. I even convinced my kindergartner to do some homework. We watched Star Wars and had a pretty nice day. Hopefully tomorrow the girls will let us sleep in a little. I’ve stayed up too late again.

Sunday March 22

We did pretty well again today. I got to sleep in and my husband made breakfast. Then we went for a bike ride. The girls went in the trailer behind daddy’s bike. I was surprised at how crazy it was out by the ocean. There were so many people out it looked like a normal spring Sunday. My husband said he thought it looked like people were keeping 6 feet apart, but it was tricky to dodge all the people. Riding in the traffic was a bit uncomfortable, but the ride was great.

Exercising had been my saving grace through this crazy time. I still think I’ve already gained 3 pounds from all the stress baking I’m doing. Getting enough sleep is also going to be crucial for my mental health. When I get tired I just get grumpy and mopey. But today was great because my husband and I could take turns watching the girls. We both got naps while the other played with the girls.

Back to Monday again tomorrow. My daughter’s kindergarten class is doing a daily reading group at 1 so we’ll see how that goes. Hopefully she won’t go crazy seeing her friends. Good thing I know how to mute our window in Zoom. 

Still wrapping my head around the fact that we probably won’t be going back to school any time soon. I hope I can find a way to help my daughter enjoy reading. I don’t want her to fall behind because I get tired of helping her to do her school work.

Tuesday March 24

Today was challenging. I was so tired from the second I got up that I was just grumpy. After breakfast I took the girls for a long walk to the park to climb trees and scooter. It started out well but before we got to the trees my older daughter started telling me she was bored and that she didn’t want to ride her scooter any more. When we finally got to the trees my older daughter just wanted to tell me that I was a bad mommy and that I ruined everything. Then there was another boy who wanted to climb the trees and I had to pull my daughter off the tree because she was getting too close. I felt like such a jerk. Not only to my daughter but to the little boy climbing the tree. My daughter continued to say mean things to me and I continued to get more grumpy. We limped our way home on the scooters until I finally just put them both in the stroller and busted home. 

Wednesday March 25

Today the school announced that it will be closed until May 1st. Which is not surprising as there has been a lot of talk about not opening again until the summer. It just sucks for it to be official. 

This morning we all imploded. Both girls and both parents had meltdowns at the same time and no one could help anyone. My husband told me he couldn’t do this anymore and he took the day off work. We managed to regroup and had a pretty good day together. We got some stuff done around the house and the girls managed to play together without killing each other. 

Thursday March 26

Today I am weepy. I just need to cry. I’m tired from being up late at a preschool Board meeting. My husband told me that we did a reset yesterday and that I shouldn’t be sad. But it takes more than one day to get through these things. I have emotions everyday and I need to get them out. Just because I’m sad doesn’t mean I’m in crisis mode. 

Asking For Help and Thank You

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

Last week I was laid up with strep throat. I was perfectly fine in the morning and by the late afternoon I was feverish and in pain. I can be a bit of a baby when I’m sick, but this was more than I could gut through.

At no point during this day did I even think about asking for help. All I could think about was how hard it was going to be to go to the school meeting I had to go to that night. Also, how much medicine can I take and still be safe doing my work shift at my daughter’s preschool tomorrow? But with out my asking, my husband volunteered to go to the meeting. I hesitated, because he usually opts to stay home and do bed time with the girls. I did eventually say yes because I couldn’t physically do it. Gold Star to my Husband!!

When he got home from the school meeting he told me that he could do the work shift at the school tomorrow. Whaaaaat? I again hesitated because he has never done a work shift at the school. Not because he doesn’t want to, but someone has to go to work and make money so we can live in the Bay Area. Again, I said yes, because it would have been irresponsible to bring my germs to school. I should also mention that he got up early and made my older daughter’s lunch for her and took her to school so I could sleep. Gold Star 2 and 3!

It is silly that this is such a grand gesture for me. My husband does more than his fair share of the work around the house. He does most of the cleaning, including sweeping and mopping the floors. He does the dishes and loads the washer and dryer. It’s a nice partnership in that regard. But school lunch has been my job, even though our daughter has only been in kindergarten for 6 months.

I continue to feel guilt about letting someone (anyone) take on my responsibilities. Regardless of if it’s something easy like asking my neighbor to go pick up my daughter from school because I’m too sick to stand. Thank you C and G! You’re the best neighbors ever!! I didn’t even think to ask them until 15 minutes before I was supposed to leave to go get my daughter. Why didn’t I think to ask sooner?

Asking for help has always been hard for me. It’s even harder now that I’m a parent. I feel “mommy guilt” all the time about asking someone to help me. I even feel the guilt when I leave the girls with someone who I am paying to watch them. It is also not uncommon for me to hesitate or reject an unsolicited offer to help. I am getting better, but I still need to think it over and remind myself that It’s not a sign of weakness or failure that I get help. It’s a crucial part of surviving as a human and a parent. The words, “It takes a village” are so true! My village has grown large enough now, that I can ask someone to pick up my daughter if I’m going to be 10 minutes late, or I’m sick. I hope they know I would not hesitate to return the favor. Which is another funny part of asking for help. I will always help someone if I’m available and able. I even offer to help from time to time because I understand that we all need help. I don’t expect reciprocity. It just feels good to help.

So, thank you Husband for stepping up when I really needed you! Thank you village for supporting us when I’m down. Thank you to myself for not trying to gut it out and accepting the help that was offered to me.

Journal Entry 1/28/2020

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

Today I went to a vision planning workshop put on by 2 of the moms at my daughter’s preschool. The women who led it were amazing, inspirational and encouraging as was the experience overall. The goal was to visualize my goals for 2020 and create a vision board inspired by these goals. I had never done a vision board, and I was curious to see how It could help me. There were about 20 women at the workshop and the evening began with introductions and everyone talking about why they were there. It was very intimidating to listen to all the women describe why they were there. I was so scared to start crying I said something very brief and they moved on. I entered the evening in a sad emotional state so I was disappointed in myself right from the start. I didn’t engage anyone in conversation because I decided I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Which was the complete opposite of the purpose of the event. One of the main purposes of the workshop was to make connections and start relationships with other women who are also trying to improve themselves regardless of their individual situations. Next time I will come with a more open attitude about chatting and not assume people don’t want to talk to me, or are not interested in what I have to say.

We did an exercise to identify the things in our life that give us energy and the things that drain our energy. I wish I had had more time to sit with this but I was able to create a good list in the time I had. It was interesting to see that many things on my list give and take energy and exist on both sides of the list. We then tore up the draining list and focused on the energy giving list. 

Next we did a guided visualization about our ideal day 3 years from now. My ideal day involved getting out of my bed that had no kids in it. Making 2 school lunches, then walking 2 girls to elementary school. Then going for a run and following it with a shower. Then I’d have until 5pm to write and do whatever job I am doing in 3 years. I imagined being a health coach and working with clients. Then I picked up the girls at 5pm and we sat down to eat dinner together. A dinner that I cooked, and we talked about our days together. There was no screaming or complaining. Then my husband came home and we read books with the girls and went to bed. The girls in their room and me and my husband in ours. What a great day!

Then we used fabric scraps to create vision boards to represent that future. The colors we chose represented different things, like emotional balance, optimism, or creativity. I chose colors that represent what I want for myself in terms of my family and then for a career or purpose. I threw my vision board together quickly because there were limited scissors and glue, and I was scared to share my thoughts with the other participants. Even so, I think it accurately represents my current emotional state as well as where I want it to be in the future. The edges of the fabrics are raw and uneven like my current life and emotional state, but the fabrics overlap and move towards the middle to represent how family and life overlap. The colors almost look like they are reaching for each other, encouraging me grow and succeed.

The workshop was just what I need right now. Doing the exercises with a room full of women was challenging, but I was reminded that I’m not the only one who is struggling, and no one has this life thing figured out all the time. It has inspired me to continue the exercise on my own and take more time to reflect and continue the endless journey of healing and creating balance in my life.

Journal Entry 2/6/2020

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

The calm never lasts. I’ve had a few good days, so it’s about time for a melt down. I have hired a babysitter for 2 hours tonight so I can get some stuff done. By stuff, I mean writing this blog. I haven’t had time to sit, edit and publish anything in 2 months. I was hoping to get some posts polished and posted tonight.

At 5:00pm when the babysitter arrived, both girls broke down and started crying and screaming. I was torn between letting the babysitter go home while I held my crying girls so they could empty their emotional backpacks, and just telling the babysitter “good luck!” and leaving. Ultimately, I gave the girls half an hour of my precious free time and they thankfully calmed down. My younger daughter started screaming again as soon as I handed her over to the babysitter, but I know it won’t last. Once she sees there is fun to be had, she’ll forget about being upset and dive in. I also know that as long as I hold her she’ll keep crying. It’s like she wants to make sure I’m good and guilty before I finally let her go. I get it though, mommy’s arms are cozy and safe. I wish my mom could just hold me forever too.

I hate to have these moments in front of other people. Especially when the person is my 13 year old neighbor who is great at playing, but hasn’t learned about managing a tantruming 2 and 6 year old (at the same time). She is great though! I am often impressed that such a young person can handle my highly emotional children.

On the bright side, I did do one thing well tonight. I had the presence of mind to have self compassion. I took the time to acknowledge that this moment is hard when I was in it and took a deep breath. I was able to remind myself that my older daughter has been building toward a big emotional unloading for a few days now. I was able to find patience by slowing down and letting go of the embarrassment I was feeling and the frustration of losing my precious free time. I knew that if I took a few more minutes to listen to my daughter while she raged, she’d move through it faster and have a better time with the babysitter.

Now that I’ve had a moment to process and cool down, I’m proud of myself for managing the situation. I think I did the best that I could do in that moment and I don’t feel like I can say that very often. Now I’m off the get some stuff done.