Tag: Parenting is Hard

I am Enough

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

I have been climbing out of a depressive episode over the last few months and I am finally feeling like a normal person again. Of course, by normal, I mean not being overwhelmed by sadness or numbness to the point that I could not function in the outside world. I have been taking steps to recover and I have worked hard to find relief. I was not able to bootstrap myself up alone. Therapy, medication, and family support all played parts in the puzzle. I am still working to continue my upward journey. Exercise and social interaction are some of the biggest factors in my continued success. I have been enjoying talking with people and I have felt less fear about putting myself out in the world, and opening myself to judgment and opinions. One of the things that I have been able to do for myself lately is believe in my own worthiness to exist. It still feels a bit like bragging but I am writing this for myself and other people’s opinions are their own. 

I am enough. This body is enough. I deserve to hold space in this world and society. I am strong, kind and compassionate. I have survived 41 years of economical, political, emotional, and cultural ups and downs. My body has been pregnant 3 times and given birth twice. This body has loved, lost, hated, and recovered. It has felt the pain and numbness of postpartum depression and major depression. It has felt the love and encouragement of family and friends. This body gives really good hugs. It can ride a bike and run and hike and challenge itself physically. It enjoys cookies, cake and candy. The shape of this body is the result of a life lived.  This body can push through overwhelming fatigue to get to the end of the day and wake up the next morning to do it all again. This human can set aside her own needs to care for others and then realize that her own needs are important too. This body is perfect in its imperfection. I am what I am and that is enough.

Thought Distortions

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

My daughter is struggling right now will feelings of rejection and failure at school. She is using broad generalizations describing how “all the kids tell her that her work is ugly”, or “nobody wants to play with me”. These are horrible things to hear out of your 8 year old’s mouth. It is triggering for me because I think the same things about myself and I’m in my 40s. I don’t want my daughter to have to go through life feeling like she is anything less than perfect. I tell her that “daddy and I will love her no matter what, forever”. I have also tried to give her the mantra: “I’m still learning and that’s ok!” It hasn’t stuck yet, but we’re working on it, and that’s ok!

I know that a part of this distorted thinking is inborn personality, but most of it has to have been learned. Have I been telling her that she’s not good enough? What are my actions that are causing her to think that she has to be perfect in school for people to like her? I’m already freaking out about how difficult middle school and high school will be with cell phones and social media. Kids can be real assholes sometimes. I thought I’d have more time before we had to deal with this.

I have personally been working to reframe my own thought distortions. I often make generalizations like, “no one cares what I have to say”, or “I always say the wrong thing”. When I’m thinking these thoughts, I truly believe them wholeheartedly. When it is pointed out to me that I’ve had this thought, I can realize that, yes, sometimes I say the wrong thing, but most of time I’m on the right track. And there are enough people who care what I have to say. I’m not trying to be famous. Actually, I’d rather not be famous. These thought distortions lead to core beliefs like “I am not worthy of people’s love or attention”. I have held this core belief for my whole life. I am working to shift my thought patterns and reframe the way I talk to myself, but it will take time. I know that I cannot go back and relive the past (I really don’t want to), but I wonder where in my past these thoughts took root and what could I have done differently. Maybe there is an insight that I can use to help my daughters feel confident in their skin regardless of the crap going on around them.

I want to make sure that my daughter changes this thought pattern before it becomes a core belief. We have been having nice conversations lately where she talks about her experiences and I explain to her that the only person who’s opinion matters is her own. She cannot compare herself to anyone else. She is perfect just the way she is, and any “imperfections” make her unique. Anyone who is her real friend will like her for exactly who she is, and she will choose people to be her friends because she is drawn to their uniqueness too. I think the best thing I can do as a parent is keep the communication open. I want her to feel like she can tell me anything and we can talk about the hard stuff. I need her to know that I’m here for her even when it feels like no one else is. We can grow up together and hopefully help each other trust that we are enough.

Asking For Help and Thank You

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

Last week I was laid up with strep throat. I was perfectly fine in the morning and by the late afternoon I was feverish and in pain. I can be a bit of a baby when I’m sick, but this was more than I could gut through.

At no point during this day did I even think about asking for help. All I could think about was how hard it was going to be to go to the school meeting I had to go to that night. Also, how much medicine can I take and still be safe doing my work shift at my daughter’s preschool tomorrow? But with out my asking, my husband volunteered to go to the meeting. I hesitated, because he usually opts to stay home and do bed time with the girls. I did eventually say yes because I couldn’t physically do it. Gold Star to my Husband!!

When he got home from the school meeting he told me that he could do the work shift at the school tomorrow. Whaaaaat? I again hesitated because he has never done a work shift at the school. Not because he doesn’t want to, but someone has to go to work and make money so we can live in the Bay Area. Again, I said yes, because it would have been irresponsible to bring my germs to school. I should also mention that he got up early and made my older daughter’s lunch for her and took her to school so I could sleep. Gold Star 2 and 3!

It is silly that this is such a grand gesture for me. My husband does more than his fair share of the work around the house. He does most of the cleaning, including sweeping and mopping the floors. He does the dishes and loads the washer and dryer. It’s a nice partnership in that regard. But school lunch has been my job, even though our daughter has only been in kindergarten for 6 months.

I continue to feel guilt about letting someone (anyone) take on my responsibilities. Regardless of if it’s something easy like asking my neighbor to go pick up my daughter from school because I’m too sick to stand. Thank you C and G! You’re the best neighbors ever!! I didn’t even think to ask them until 15 minutes before I was supposed to leave to go get my daughter. Why didn’t I think to ask sooner?

Asking for help has always been hard for me. It’s even harder now that I’m a parent. I feel “mommy guilt” all the time about asking someone to help me. I even feel the guilt when I leave the girls with someone who I am paying to watch them. It is also not uncommon for me to hesitate or reject an unsolicited offer to help. I am getting better, but I still need to think it over and remind myself that It’s not a sign of weakness or failure that I get help. It’s a crucial part of surviving as a human and a parent. The words, “It takes a village” are so true! My village has grown large enough now, that I can ask someone to pick up my daughter if I’m going to be 10 minutes late, or I’m sick. I hope they know I would not hesitate to return the favor. Which is another funny part of asking for help. I will always help someone if I’m available and able. I even offer to help from time to time because I understand that we all need help. I don’t expect reciprocity. It just feels good to help.

So, thank you Husband for stepping up when I really needed you! Thank you village for supporting us when I’m down. Thank you to myself for not trying to gut it out and accepting the help that was offered to me.

Journal Entry 2/6/2020

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

The calm never lasts. I’ve had a few good days, so it’s about time for a melt down. I have hired a babysitter for 2 hours tonight so I can get some stuff done. By stuff, I mean writing this blog. I haven’t had time to sit, edit and publish anything in 2 months. I was hoping to get some posts polished and posted tonight.

At 5:00pm when the babysitter arrived, both girls broke down and started crying and screaming. I was torn between letting the babysitter go home while I held my crying girls so they could empty their emotional backpacks, and just telling the babysitter “good luck!” and leaving. Ultimately, I gave the girls half an hour of my precious free time and they thankfully calmed down. My younger daughter started screaming again as soon as I handed her over to the babysitter, but I know it won’t last. Once she sees there is fun to be had, she’ll forget about being upset and dive in. I also know that as long as I hold her she’ll keep crying. It’s like she wants to make sure I’m good and guilty before I finally let her go. I get it though, mommy’s arms are cozy and safe. I wish my mom could just hold me forever too.

I hate to have these moments in front of other people. Especially when the person is my 13 year old neighbor who is great at playing, but hasn’t learned about managing a tantruming 2 and 6 year old (at the same time). She is great though! I am often impressed that such a young person can handle my highly emotional children.

On the bright side, I did do one thing well tonight. I had the presence of mind to have self compassion. I took the time to acknowledge that this moment is hard when I was in it and took a deep breath. I was able to remind myself that my older daughter has been building toward a big emotional unloading for a few days now. I was able to find patience by slowing down and letting go of the embarrassment I was feeling and the frustration of losing my precious free time. I knew that if I took a few more minutes to listen to my daughter while she raged, she’d move through it faster and have a better time with the babysitter.

Now that I’ve had a moment to process and cool down, I’m proud of myself for managing the situation. I think I did the best that I could do in that moment and I don’t feel like I can say that very often. Now I’m off the get some stuff done.

My Instagram Family

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

I have an Instagram account (@fennermorgan). I haven’t used it in about 5 years. I recently logged onto it for the purpose of posting my blog. The few photos posted are of my first little girl as a baby (That’s how I know it’s been 5 years). I never got into using instagram because I truly didn’t believe anyone cared what I had to say or show. 

I started using Facebook in 2007 and have continued to use Facebook on and off because I used it as a communication tool for a previous job. I also used to scroll through my feed to see what people I knew were up to. I was too scared to actually contact them directly because, again, I truly believed that they didn’t really care what I had to say or how I was doing.

I quit Facebook last year because it made me sad. When I was already feeling like a failure as a parent, it didn’t help to see other parents post about how beautiful and wonderful their kids are and how much joy and love they brought to their lives. I did not share this sentiment about my own kids and I felt like there was something wrong with me.

I hate the Instagram filter that so many of us put on our lives. I don’t post pictures of my kids because I often can’t think of anything nice to say about them. I also worry that I might post something that they find embarrassing someday. I want to tell everyone that this parenting thing sucks for me, but I don’t want my kids to see it someday and think that I don’t love them. Because I do love them.

When I fell off of Facebook, I was so convinced that I was a failure as a parent because I didn’t feel the same way about my kids as my friends did in their posts. I hope no one takes offense to this, because it’s not about you, it’s about my own self judgement and jealousy about what you have with your children. I do love my kids, but I don’t like them sometimes. I often don’t see the kind, empathic, courageous person that others tell me they see. I get the punching, screaming banshee who kicks me in the shin because I won’t let her watch a movie as soon as we get home from school. Or the grumpy 2 year old who just lays down and cries instead of saying, “No thank you Mommy, I’d prefer milk instead of water”. Or the two of them deliberately being mean to each other just for the sport of upsetting the other one.

I appreciate that some parents can be honest about their kids and their experiences. I really think the parents who post about the hard times are brave and real and amazing! I also appreciate that most parents truly feel joy just to look upon their beautiful children. I always imagined that would be me.

I have reintroduced Facebook into my life as a tool for this blog and I am slowly learning to appreciate that we all put different filters on our lives, and social media is one place that it happens a lot. I am beginning to have the courage to comment on other people’s posts, and I’m making it a goal to comment back to people who comment on my posts. It’s scary for me! Even though I’m spending the time to write this blog, I’m still fearful that people don’t care what I have to say or that I’ll write the wrong thing. 

My judgement of others is really a judgement of myself. If I find myself making a judgement on someone else, I can usually identify that same trait in myself as something that I’m not proud of or would like to change. I don’t hate that other parents love their children. I wish I felt the same and got the same joy from being in their presence. Hopefully someday I’ll have worked through all this depression and burnout and negativity and I will find joy in merely looking upon my beautiful girls.