Tag: Thankful

Thought Distortions

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

My daughter is struggling right now will feelings of rejection and failure at school. She is using broad generalizations describing how “all the kids tell her that her work is ugly”, or “nobody wants to play with me”. These are horrible things to hear out of your 8 year old’s mouth. It is triggering for me because I think the same things about myself and I’m in my 40s. I don’t want my daughter to have to go through life feeling like she is anything less than perfect. I tell her that “daddy and I will love her no matter what, forever”. I have also tried to give her the mantra: “I’m still learning and that’s ok!” It hasn’t stuck yet, but we’re working on it, and that’s ok!

I know that a part of this distorted thinking is inborn personality, but most of it has to have been learned. Have I been telling her that she’s not good enough? What are my actions that are causing her to think that she has to be perfect in school for people to like her? I’m already freaking out about how difficult middle school and high school will be with cell phones and social media. Kids can be real assholes sometimes. I thought I’d have more time before we had to deal with this.

I have personally been working to reframe my own thought distortions. I often make generalizations like, “no one cares what I have to say”, or “I always say the wrong thing”. When I’m thinking these thoughts, I truly believe them wholeheartedly. When it is pointed out to me that I’ve had this thought, I can realize that, yes, sometimes I say the wrong thing, but most of time I’m on the right track. And there are enough people who care what I have to say. I’m not trying to be famous. Actually, I’d rather not be famous. These thought distortions lead to core beliefs like “I am not worthy of people’s love or attention”. I have held this core belief for my whole life. I am working to shift my thought patterns and reframe the way I talk to myself, but it will take time. I know that I cannot go back and relive the past (I really don’t want to), but I wonder where in my past these thoughts took root and what could I have done differently. Maybe there is an insight that I can use to help my daughters feel confident in their skin regardless of the crap going on around them.

I want to make sure that my daughter changes this thought pattern before it becomes a core belief. We have been having nice conversations lately where she talks about her experiences and I explain to her that the only person who’s opinion matters is her own. She cannot compare herself to anyone else. She is perfect just the way she is, and any “imperfections” make her unique. Anyone who is her real friend will like her for exactly who she is, and she will choose people to be her friends because she is drawn to their uniqueness too. I think the best thing I can do as a parent is keep the communication open. I want her to feel like she can tell me anything and we can talk about the hard stuff. I need her to know that I’m here for her even when it feels like no one else is. We can grow up together and hopefully help each other trust that we are enough.

Asking For Help and Thank You

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

Last week I was laid up with strep throat. I was perfectly fine in the morning and by the late afternoon I was feverish and in pain. I can be a bit of a baby when I’m sick, but this was more than I could gut through.

At no point during this day did I even think about asking for help. All I could think about was how hard it was going to be to go to the school meeting I had to go to that night. Also, how much medicine can I take and still be safe doing my work shift at my daughter’s preschool tomorrow? But with out my asking, my husband volunteered to go to the meeting. I hesitated, because he usually opts to stay home and do bed time with the girls. I did eventually say yes because I couldn’t physically do it. Gold Star to my Husband!!

When he got home from the school meeting he told me that he could do the work shift at the school tomorrow. Whaaaaat? I again hesitated because he has never done a work shift at the school. Not because he doesn’t want to, but someone has to go to work and make money so we can live in the Bay Area. Again, I said yes, because it would have been irresponsible to bring my germs to school. I should also mention that he got up early and made my older daughter’s lunch for her and took her to school so I could sleep. Gold Star 2 and 3!

It is silly that this is such a grand gesture for me. My husband does more than his fair share of the work around the house. He does most of the cleaning, including sweeping and mopping the floors. He does the dishes and loads the washer and dryer. It’s a nice partnership in that regard. But school lunch has been my job, even though our daughter has only been in kindergarten for 6 months.

I continue to feel guilt about letting someone (anyone) take on my responsibilities. Regardless of if it’s something easy like asking my neighbor to go pick up my daughter from school because I’m too sick to stand. Thank you C and G! You’re the best neighbors ever!! I didn’t even think to ask them until 15 minutes before I was supposed to leave to go get my daughter. Why didn’t I think to ask sooner?

Asking for help has always been hard for me. It’s even harder now that I’m a parent. I feel “mommy guilt” all the time about asking someone to help me. I even feel the guilt when I leave the girls with someone who I am paying to watch them. It is also not uncommon for me to hesitate or reject an unsolicited offer to help. I am getting better, but I still need to think it over and remind myself that It’s not a sign of weakness or failure that I get help. It’s a crucial part of surviving as a human and a parent. The words, “It takes a village” are so true! My village has grown large enough now, that I can ask someone to pick up my daughter if I’m going to be 10 minutes late, or I’m sick. I hope they know I would not hesitate to return the favor. Which is another funny part of asking for help. I will always help someone if I’m available and able. I even offer to help from time to time because I understand that we all need help. I don’t expect reciprocity. It just feels good to help.

So, thank you Husband for stepping up when I really needed you! Thank you village for supporting us when I’m down. Thank you to myself for not trying to gut it out and accepting the help that was offered to me.

I Am Grateful

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

I don’t want my blog to be a total bummer and I don’t want people to get the impression that I hate being a parent or my kids all the time. As the Holiday season begins and I am looking forward to spending time with my extended family I am reminded that there are many things that I do like and love about my kids and being a parent.

I have really enjoyed watching my girls grow and mature. It’s so much more fun to hang out with them when we can have a conversation. They ask good questions and it’s interesting to know what they are curious about. I love their little voices and how they mispronounce certain words. My younger daughter used to ask me to “hold you” when she wanted me to hold her. Then as she realized that the word that represented her was “me” she added it to the sentence and asked us to “hold you me”! It was super cute even when I was frustrated with her.

I have also been thankful for their strength, both physical and emotional. My older daughter can do the monkey bars and climb street sign poles to the top and can jump off of high things. While this all sounds dangerous, to me it represents the fact that she doesn’t see these things as hard. She has the courage to try and limited fear about getting hurt. Fear of getting hurt has been a huge limiting factor in my own life. I hate to do a lot of “fun” things because I’m scared to get hurt. My daughter falls off her bicycle and dusts off the dirt and gets back on and keeps going. We often talk about being ready to “try again”. I’m really thankful that she has the courage to try again and I’m thankful for her for teaching me how to have courage.

I am grateful for my parent friends and the school communities that my children belong to. I am so thankful that there are people near me who are experiencing the same struggles that I am. I wish it was easy and lovely all the time for everyone, but it’s not, and I’m grateful to everyone who shares with me all the good and bad stuff they deal with everyday. I’m grateful to all the parents and friends who listen to me talk about all the ups and downs too! Without your support and encouragement, I wouldn’t be able to do this parent thing.

I am thankful for old friends. Thank you to my friends who have continued to check in with me and continued to make a place for me in your life! I am not good at keeping in touch, and friendships seem to be hard to maintain when we don’t live near each other. But I am so thankful that I have friends who send me a text or email out of the blue just to tell me that they are thinking of me. It’s amazing how uplifting it is to know people are thinking of me.

I’m especially grateful to my family. My mom, sister and husband are the life net that keeps me from hitting the ground and breaking my neck! I know that my mom will always love me unconditionally. (I know my dad does too, but sadly he’s not around anymore to tell me). I know that my sister will always be on my side and that I’ll be on her’s. I also know that I can call her 24/7 and she’ll always be happy I called. I’m grateful to my husband because he will have the hard conversations with me even though it hurts, because we know it has to happen and we’ll be stronger when we’re done. He values our partnership above all else and loves and supports me through good and bad.

Some other little things I’m thankful for this time of year are shorter days and warmer blankets. I’m thankful for seeing my extended family and continuing Holiday traditions that we’ve had since I was a baby. I love to eat good food and watch the rain from the comfort of my living room window. I’m thankful for the opportunities to teach my girls our Holiday traditions and to create new ones. I am thankful for this internet platform to share my thoughts with the world and to those of you who have taken the time to read it. I am grateful that I can find healing and some moments of peace in this crazy journey.