Tag: Self Compassion

I am Enough

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

I have been climbing out of a depressive episode over the last few months and I am finally feeling like a normal person again. Of course, by normal, I mean not being overwhelmed by sadness or numbness to the point that I could not function in the outside world. I have been taking steps to recover and I have worked hard to find relief. I was not able to bootstrap myself up alone. Therapy, medication, and family support all played parts in the puzzle. I am still working to continue my upward journey. Exercise and social interaction are some of the biggest factors in my continued success. I have been enjoying talking with people and I have felt less fear about putting myself out in the world, and opening myself to judgment and opinions. One of the things that I have been able to do for myself lately is believe in my own worthiness to exist. It still feels a bit like bragging but I am writing this for myself and other people’s opinions are their own. 

I am enough. This body is enough. I deserve to hold space in this world and society. I am strong, kind and compassionate. I have survived 41 years of economical, political, emotional, and cultural ups and downs. My body has been pregnant 3 times and given birth twice. This body has loved, lost, hated, and recovered. It has felt the pain and numbness of postpartum depression and major depression. It has felt the love and encouragement of family and friends. This body gives really good hugs. It can ride a bike and run and hike and challenge itself physically. It enjoys cookies, cake and candy. The shape of this body is the result of a life lived.  This body can push through overwhelming fatigue to get to the end of the day and wake up the next morning to do it all again. This human can set aside her own needs to care for others and then realize that her own needs are important too. This body is perfect in its imperfection. I am what I am and that is enough.

Thought Distortions

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

My daughter is struggling right now will feelings of rejection and failure at school. She is using broad generalizations describing how “all the kids tell her that her work is ugly”, or “nobody wants to play with me”. These are horrible things to hear out of your 8 year old’s mouth. It is triggering for me because I think the same things about myself and I’m in my 40s. I don’t want my daughter to have to go through life feeling like she is anything less than perfect. I tell her that “daddy and I will love her no matter what, forever”. I have also tried to give her the mantra: “I’m still learning and that’s ok!” It hasn’t stuck yet, but we’re working on it, and that’s ok!

I know that a part of this distorted thinking is inborn personality, but most of it has to have been learned. Have I been telling her that she’s not good enough? What are my actions that are causing her to think that she has to be perfect in school for people to like her? I’m already freaking out about how difficult middle school and high school will be with cell phones and social media. Kids can be real assholes sometimes. I thought I’d have more time before we had to deal with this.

I have personally been working to reframe my own thought distortions. I often make generalizations like, “no one cares what I have to say”, or “I always say the wrong thing”. When I’m thinking these thoughts, I truly believe them wholeheartedly. When it is pointed out to me that I’ve had this thought, I can realize that, yes, sometimes I say the wrong thing, but most of time I’m on the right track. And there are enough people who care what I have to say. I’m not trying to be famous. Actually, I’d rather not be famous. These thought distortions lead to core beliefs like “I am not worthy of people’s love or attention”. I have held this core belief for my whole life. I am working to shift my thought patterns and reframe the way I talk to myself, but it will take time. I know that I cannot go back and relive the past (I really don’t want to), but I wonder where in my past these thoughts took root and what could I have done differently. Maybe there is an insight that I can use to help my daughters feel confident in their skin regardless of the crap going on around them.

I want to make sure that my daughter changes this thought pattern before it becomes a core belief. We have been having nice conversations lately where she talks about her experiences and I explain to her that the only person who’s opinion matters is her own. She cannot compare herself to anyone else. She is perfect just the way she is, and any “imperfections” make her unique. Anyone who is her real friend will like her for exactly who she is, and she will choose people to be her friends because she is drawn to their uniqueness too. I think the best thing I can do as a parent is keep the communication open. I want her to feel like she can tell me anything and we can talk about the hard stuff. I need her to know that I’m here for her even when it feels like no one else is. We can grow up together and hopefully help each other trust that we are enough.

Anger

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

I have written a dozen or so blog posts in the last year, but I have not published any of them. This last year and half has just been too emotionally challenging for me and my family. My girls were home from school and we spent all day every day with each other. My husband has been working from home exclusively as well. I hope that in the future I look back and think how lucky I was to have spent so much time with my girls when they were little. Right now, all I feel is frustration, resentment and anger. I’m angry that our lives were disrupted by the pandemic. I’m angry that both of my girls seem to be behind in their social emotional development. I’m angry that it feels like my fault because their only model for how to be human for a year was a grumpy depressed mommy who is resentful of having to put her life on hold to take care of two girls who are whiney and often ungrateful for the sacrifice she has made.

Now that the girls are finally back in school I have the opportunity to do some therapy. I finally have a chance to breath and take care of myself. For so long I pushed all the emotions down and chose not to feel anything. Now that I have some free time, the flood gates are opening wide and I often find myself crying for undefined reasons. I know that I need to deal with all the frustrations as a result of the pandemic, but it’s hard and usually doesn’t feel very good.

One of the things I am working on right now is understanding that my negative feelings are fueling my anger. It’s like my anger is the tip of a huge iceberg, and below the surface are all the negative emotions I have been feeling since March 2020. It has been interesting to reflect back on the last 18 months and realize that all the times that I was screaming at my kids was partly the result of all the underlying feelings that feed my anger. I am frustrated that I had to quit working just as I was beginning to go back to work. I’m mad that I had been doing so much work emotionally to get through my postpartum depression only to have to shut myself away in quarantine. I’m stressed that my girls will get behind socially and academically. I’m sad that my daughter keeps screaming at me and I don’t know how to help her. I’m grieving for the friendships that I have lost and those I am not cultivating because I’m too shy to reach out to anyone. I’m tired of always being with my family and not having any time alone. I’m anxious about letting my family back out into the world where they could get sick and possibly have health consequences for the rest of their lives. And on and on until I’m drowning in a sea of despair.

I know that the pandemic is far from over. But at least there is hope again. I know that there are safe environments to be with people. Going to the store or sitting outside at a restaurant are not dangerous. My girls are used to wearing masks and I feel that the risk of going to school is worth it, not only for their emotional and academic health but also for mine. I am also able to reflect in the moment about what is feeding my anger (some of the time), which is helping me to have space for my girls when they are angry. While the patience is still not unlimited, there is a little more of it to be found. I am finding that I am able to help my girls a little more with their own anger, even if all I can do is notice that the tantrum is a result of anger (with it’s underlying emotions). I am also learning to reframe my thinking in ways that defuse my anger. This morning I chose to get out of bed to help my girls get ready and be on time for school. Today I get to do laundry and dishes and make dinner. Hopefully I’ll continue to learn techniques for quieting my anger. For now, I’m choosing to be proud of myself for trying.

Asking For Help and Thank You

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

Last week I was laid up with strep throat. I was perfectly fine in the morning and by the late afternoon I was feverish and in pain. I can be a bit of a baby when I’m sick, but this was more than I could gut through.

At no point during this day did I even think about asking for help. All I could think about was how hard it was going to be to go to the school meeting I had to go to that night. Also, how much medicine can I take and still be safe doing my work shift at my daughter’s preschool tomorrow? But with out my asking, my husband volunteered to go to the meeting. I hesitated, because he usually opts to stay home and do bed time with the girls. I did eventually say yes because I couldn’t physically do it. Gold Star to my Husband!!

When he got home from the school meeting he told me that he could do the work shift at the school tomorrow. Whaaaaat? I again hesitated because he has never done a work shift at the school. Not because he doesn’t want to, but someone has to go to work and make money so we can live in the Bay Area. Again, I said yes, because it would have been irresponsible to bring my germs to school. I should also mention that he got up early and made my older daughter’s lunch for her and took her to school so I could sleep. Gold Star 2 and 3!

It is silly that this is such a grand gesture for me. My husband does more than his fair share of the work around the house. He does most of the cleaning, including sweeping and mopping the floors. He does the dishes and loads the washer and dryer. It’s a nice partnership in that regard. But school lunch has been my job, even though our daughter has only been in kindergarten for 6 months.

I continue to feel guilt about letting someone (anyone) take on my responsibilities. Regardless of if it’s something easy like asking my neighbor to go pick up my daughter from school because I’m too sick to stand. Thank you C and G! You’re the best neighbors ever!! I didn’t even think to ask them until 15 minutes before I was supposed to leave to go get my daughter. Why didn’t I think to ask sooner?

Asking for help has always been hard for me. It’s even harder now that I’m a parent. I feel “mommy guilt” all the time about asking someone to help me. I even feel the guilt when I leave the girls with someone who I am paying to watch them. It is also not uncommon for me to hesitate or reject an unsolicited offer to help. I am getting better, but I still need to think it over and remind myself that It’s not a sign of weakness or failure that I get help. It’s a crucial part of surviving as a human and a parent. The words, “It takes a village” are so true! My village has grown large enough now, that I can ask someone to pick up my daughter if I’m going to be 10 minutes late, or I’m sick. I hope they know I would not hesitate to return the favor. Which is another funny part of asking for help. I will always help someone if I’m available and able. I even offer to help from time to time because I understand that we all need help. I don’t expect reciprocity. It just feels good to help.

So, thank you Husband for stepping up when I really needed you! Thank you village for supporting us when I’m down. Thank you to myself for not trying to gut it out and accepting the help that was offered to me.

Journal Entry 2/6/2020

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

The calm never lasts. I’ve had a few good days, so it’s about time for a melt down. I have hired a babysitter for 2 hours tonight so I can get some stuff done. By stuff, I mean writing this blog. I haven’t had time to sit, edit and publish anything in 2 months. I was hoping to get some posts polished and posted tonight.

At 5:00pm when the babysitter arrived, both girls broke down and started crying and screaming. I was torn between letting the babysitter go home while I held my crying girls so they could empty their emotional backpacks, and just telling the babysitter “good luck!” and leaving. Ultimately, I gave the girls half an hour of my precious free time and they thankfully calmed down. My younger daughter started screaming again as soon as I handed her over to the babysitter, but I know it won’t last. Once she sees there is fun to be had, she’ll forget about being upset and dive in. I also know that as long as I hold her she’ll keep crying. It’s like she wants to make sure I’m good and guilty before I finally let her go. I get it though, mommy’s arms are cozy and safe. I wish my mom could just hold me forever too.

I hate to have these moments in front of other people. Especially when the person is my 13 year old neighbor who is great at playing, but hasn’t learned about managing a tantruming 2 and 6 year old (at the same time). She is great though! I am often impressed that such a young person can handle my highly emotional children.

On the bright side, I did do one thing well tonight. I had the presence of mind to have self compassion. I took the time to acknowledge that this moment is hard when I was in it and took a deep breath. I was able to remind myself that my older daughter has been building toward a big emotional unloading for a few days now. I was able to find patience by slowing down and letting go of the embarrassment I was feeling and the frustration of losing my precious free time. I knew that if I took a few more minutes to listen to my daughter while she raged, she’d move through it faster and have a better time with the babysitter.

Now that I’ve had a moment to process and cool down, I’m proud of myself for managing the situation. I think I did the best that I could do in that moment and I don’t feel like I can say that very often. Now I’m off the get some stuff done.

Self Compassion

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

In the last year I have been working on Self Compassion. Self Compassion is being kind to yourself even when you are faced with personal failings. There have been at least 3 separate times in the last year that someone has mentioned Self Compassion to me as something they think would help me. They specifically recommend watching Kristen Neff’s Ted Talk. You can watch it here. Each time someone tells me about Self Compassion, I practice it for a few weeks, and then forget about it and return to my negative thinking. It seems to me that the universe is trying to tell me to keep practicing and that I really should be nicer to myself. Negative thoughts and self talk don’t serve me. These negative thoughts only make me miserable and I don’t want to be miserable. I want to enjoy my time with my kids, friends and family. 

I don’t want to feel sad or anxious or angry. A little of this is just my personality, but I don’t want to be ruled by it. In the practice of Self Compassion I talk to myself in the way I talk to my friends. I tell them that they are doing a great job at life and as parents. I try to always encourage them. I should treat myself the same way I treat the people I love. I love myself right? It is amazing the horrible things I say to myself. I would never say things like, “you’re a really bad parent,” or, “you suck at life,” to anyone, ever! I think, “they are doing the best they can with what they have.” I should say this to myself (all the time!).

Self Compassion takes practice to become good at it. I can’t just think, “I’m not going to be hard on myself anymore,” and then I’m magically fixed. This is true of so many things in life. For example, I run because I enjoy it and it benefits my mental health. I enjoy the process and the journey of running and I plan to keep doing it as long as my body will let me. It is my running practice. I am trying to practice being nicer to myself and reminding myself that dealing with hard things in life is part of the journey and I have to practice coping and dealing with it. I won’t wake up one day and all of a sudden being a parent will be easy. Even when the girls have grown up and gone off to live their own lives, there will still be challenging times. Whatever the coping mechanism is, it has to be practiced daily. 

It’s funny to think that I have to practice being nice to myself. I believe it’s important though. I do not want my little girls to be like me when they grow up. I want them to be strong and confident and not give a care to what other people think. I want them to love themselves unconditionally and be self compassionate. Sure, we all make mistakes and do things we regret, but I want my girls to be able to learn from it, shake it off and move on. I don’t want them to hold onto failings and ignore the successes like I do. The first step into ensuring that the girls are self compassionate is to model it for them. Having Self Compassion for myself shows them that they should also have Self Compassion. I will tell myself, “I know this is hard, but I can do it!”