Category: Self Care

Depression

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

Disclaimer: This is a very personal post and is a description of how I feel during a bad episode of Depression. If you are triggered by talk of depression or suicide, please skip this one. I am currently getting help and am not at risk of harming myself. If you are thinking of harming yourself or someone around you please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800.273.8255. There is nothing glamorous about depression and my words are my way of sharing with others what it’s like for me and that if you also experience depression, you are not alone!

Every day is a rainy stormy day and I want to cozy up in bed and pull the covers over my head. The light hurts my eyes. I have so little control over the thoughts that go through my head that I have to keep my headphones on playing anything that will distract me from the negative words. The smallest upset triggers tears and pain in my chest. I feel out of control, overwhelmed and weak. The things that should bring me joy make me numb or feel guilty. I am a failure as a human. Maybe I shouldn’t be a human anymore.

The world feels foggy and blurry and it’s as if I have weights on my shoulders that make it hard to stand up straight. I don’t understand how everyone keeps going on with their lives when I can barely get myself out bed and I’m instantly irritated by my kids who are too loud and move too fast. I’m supposed to be happy and joyous because my life is so great. I have 2 beautiful daughters and a husband and a house and plenty to eat. Why do I feel like I am a failure at life?

I worry too much about how others feel and what they think. I see a friend and when they ask how I’m doing, I say “I’m good” with my fingers crossed behind my back. I’m convinced that everyone secretly thinks I’m stupid and a horrible person and parent. Their smiles are fake and once I leave they will be relived that they don’t have to be around me anymore.

I’m in a constant state of exhaustion. It doesn’t matter how much sleep I get, which is hard to get due to insomnia. I’m tired and my face hurts and my eyes might fall out of my head from crying. Sometimes I’m too numb to cry. I want to be awake in the night when it’s dark and I want to be asleep during the day because the light is too bright. I want to wear my sunglasses inside. Maybe I can find time for a nap so I don’t have to live this day.

Food is not interesting. It looks gross and it tastes gross. But I know that if I don’t eat my low blood sugar will make me feel worse. So I eat junk, which tastes gross, but who cares?

Now I’m feeling like I won’t survive. I keep thinking, I can’t do this anymore. I’m done. Somehow I claw my way to the end of the day. Victory! I’ve survived the day and I can rest. Well, I wish I could. The voice in my head keeps reminding me that I’m a failure of a human, a mom, a friend. Everyone is disappointed in me because I didn’t get done all the things I needed to get done. It won’t shut up. So I distract myself with a movie, or an audio book or podcast. I’ve been lying in bed for 4 hours now. I’m so tired that I want to cry. And now I’m feeling anxious that tomorrow will be harder because I’m not getting a good night sleep. Now one of the girls is up and I have to go help them. I know once I’m out of bed it will take an hour to fall asleep. My exhaustion finally takes me into unconsciousness. When the alarm goes off, I feel worse than I did yesterday. My nap hasn’t helped ease the fatigue. And now I have to do it all again. The overwhelm is so heavy that I physically feel heavier. I will survive the day because somehow I always do. I think, if I only had a break, but that wont help. Nothing helps.

When I’m in a depressive episode it feels like there’s nothing that will get me out of it. I do all the things. I exercise, I eat healthy, I go outside and get some sun. But I can’t help but succumb and crumble to floor in puddle of sadness and anger. It’s as if a toxic fog has infiltrated my brain and heart. It has soaked through to every cell of me and refuses to release me. Its triumph is the sacrifice of my heart’s love and life.

I know that I am not alone in my experience of depression. Which gives me hope and also makes me sad. I don’t wish feeling like this on any one. I am working on getting better and I know that the journey will have its ups and down. While I don’t need to be a bubbly excited person, I would like to be a functioning person. I want to find joy and confidence and move past fear and constant doubt in myself. I don’t want to fight my physiology anymore. I want to live in the sun and smile just because I’m alive.

Asking For Help and Thank You

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

Last week I was laid up with strep throat. I was perfectly fine in the morning and by the late afternoon I was feverish and in pain. I can be a bit of a baby when I’m sick, but this was more than I could gut through.

At no point during this day did I even think about asking for help. All I could think about was how hard it was going to be to go to the school meeting I had to go to that night. Also, how much medicine can I take and still be safe doing my work shift at my daughter’s preschool tomorrow? But with out my asking, my husband volunteered to go to the meeting. I hesitated, because he usually opts to stay home and do bed time with the girls. I did eventually say yes because I couldn’t physically do it. Gold Star to my Husband!!

When he got home from the school meeting he told me that he could do the work shift at the school tomorrow. Whaaaaat? I again hesitated because he has never done a work shift at the school. Not because he doesn’t want to, but someone has to go to work and make money so we can live in the Bay Area. Again, I said yes, because it would have been irresponsible to bring my germs to school. I should also mention that he got up early and made my older daughter’s lunch for her and took her to school so I could sleep. Gold Star 2 and 3!

It is silly that this is such a grand gesture for me. My husband does more than his fair share of the work around the house. He does most of the cleaning, including sweeping and mopping the floors. He does the dishes and loads the washer and dryer. It’s a nice partnership in that regard. But school lunch has been my job, even though our daughter has only been in kindergarten for 6 months.

I continue to feel guilt about letting someone (anyone) take on my responsibilities. Regardless of if it’s something easy like asking my neighbor to go pick up my daughter from school because I’m too sick to stand. Thank you C and G! You’re the best neighbors ever!! I didn’t even think to ask them until 15 minutes before I was supposed to leave to go get my daughter. Why didn’t I think to ask sooner?

Asking for help has always been hard for me. It’s even harder now that I’m a parent. I feel “mommy guilt” all the time about asking someone to help me. I even feel the guilt when I leave the girls with someone who I am paying to watch them. It is also not uncommon for me to hesitate or reject an unsolicited offer to help. I am getting better, but I still need to think it over and remind myself that It’s not a sign of weakness or failure that I get help. It’s a crucial part of surviving as a human and a parent. The words, “It takes a village” are so true! My village has grown large enough now, that I can ask someone to pick up my daughter if I’m going to be 10 minutes late, or I’m sick. I hope they know I would not hesitate to return the favor. Which is another funny part of asking for help. I will always help someone if I’m available and able. I even offer to help from time to time because I understand that we all need help. I don’t expect reciprocity. It just feels good to help.

So, thank you Husband for stepping up when I really needed you! Thank you village for supporting us when I’m down. Thank you to myself for not trying to gut it out and accepting the help that was offered to me.

Journal Entry 1/28/2020

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

Today I went to a vision planning workshop put on by 2 of the moms at my daughter’s preschool. The women who led it were amazing, inspirational and encouraging as was the experience overall. The goal was to visualize my goals for 2020 and create a vision board inspired by these goals. I had never done a vision board, and I was curious to see how It could help me. There were about 20 women at the workshop and the evening began with introductions and everyone talking about why they were there. It was very intimidating to listen to all the women describe why they were there. I was so scared to start crying I said something very brief and they moved on. I entered the evening in a sad emotional state so I was disappointed in myself right from the start. I didn’t engage anyone in conversation because I decided I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Which was the complete opposite of the purpose of the event. One of the main purposes of the workshop was to make connections and start relationships with other women who are also trying to improve themselves regardless of their individual situations. Next time I will come with a more open attitude about chatting and not assume people don’t want to talk to me, or are not interested in what I have to say.

We did an exercise to identify the things in our life that give us energy and the things that drain our energy. I wish I had had more time to sit with this but I was able to create a good list in the time I had. It was interesting to see that many things on my list give and take energy and exist on both sides of the list. We then tore up the draining list and focused on the energy giving list. 

Next we did a guided visualization about our ideal day 3 years from now. My ideal day involved getting out of my bed that had no kids in it. Making 2 school lunches, then walking 2 girls to elementary school. Then going for a run and following it with a shower. Then I’d have until 5pm to write and do whatever job I am doing in 3 years. I imagined being a health coach and working with clients. Then I picked up the girls at 5pm and we sat down to eat dinner together. A dinner that I cooked, and we talked about our days together. There was no screaming or complaining. Then my husband came home and we read books with the girls and went to bed. The girls in their room and me and my husband in ours. What a great day!

Then we used fabric scraps to create vision boards to represent that future. The colors we chose represented different things, like emotional balance, optimism, or creativity. I chose colors that represent what I want for myself in terms of my family and then for a career or purpose. I threw my vision board together quickly because there were limited scissors and glue, and I was scared to share my thoughts with the other participants. Even so, I think it accurately represents my current emotional state as well as where I want it to be in the future. The edges of the fabrics are raw and uneven like my current life and emotional state, but the fabrics overlap and move towards the middle to represent how family and life overlap. The colors almost look like they are reaching for each other, encouraging me grow and succeed.

The workshop was just what I need right now. Doing the exercises with a room full of women was challenging, but I was reminded that I’m not the only one who is struggling, and no one has this life thing figured out all the time. It has inspired me to continue the exercise on my own and take more time to reflect and continue the endless journey of healing and creating balance in my life.

Journal Entry 2/6/2020

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

The calm never lasts. I’ve had a few good days, so it’s about time for a melt down. I have hired a babysitter for 2 hours tonight so I can get some stuff done. By stuff, I mean writing this blog. I haven’t had time to sit, edit and publish anything in 2 months. I was hoping to get some posts polished and posted tonight.

At 5:00pm when the babysitter arrived, both girls broke down and started crying and screaming. I was torn between letting the babysitter go home while I held my crying girls so they could empty their emotional backpacks, and just telling the babysitter “good luck!” and leaving. Ultimately, I gave the girls half an hour of my precious free time and they thankfully calmed down. My younger daughter started screaming again as soon as I handed her over to the babysitter, but I know it won’t last. Once she sees there is fun to be had, she’ll forget about being upset and dive in. I also know that as long as I hold her she’ll keep crying. It’s like she wants to make sure I’m good and guilty before I finally let her go. I get it though, mommy’s arms are cozy and safe. I wish my mom could just hold me forever too.

I hate to have these moments in front of other people. Especially when the person is my 13 year old neighbor who is great at playing, but hasn’t learned about managing a tantruming 2 and 6 year old (at the same time). She is great though! I am often impressed that such a young person can handle my highly emotional children.

On the bright side, I did do one thing well tonight. I had the presence of mind to have self compassion. I took the time to acknowledge that this moment is hard when I was in it and took a deep breath. I was able to remind myself that my older daughter has been building toward a big emotional unloading for a few days now. I was able to find patience by slowing down and letting go of the embarrassment I was feeling and the frustration of losing my precious free time. I knew that if I took a few more minutes to listen to my daughter while she raged, she’d move through it faster and have a better time with the babysitter.

Now that I’ve had a moment to process and cool down, I’m proud of myself for managing the situation. I think I did the best that I could do in that moment and I don’t feel like I can say that very often. Now I’m off the get some stuff done.

Self Compassion

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

In the last year I have been working on Self Compassion. Self Compassion is being kind to yourself even when you are faced with personal failings. There have been at least 3 separate times in the last year that someone has mentioned Self Compassion to me as something they think would help me. They specifically recommend watching Kristen Neff’s Ted Talk. You can watch it here. Each time someone tells me about Self Compassion, I practice it for a few weeks, and then forget about it and return to my negative thinking. It seems to me that the universe is trying to tell me to keep practicing and that I really should be nicer to myself. Negative thoughts and self talk don’t serve me. These negative thoughts only make me miserable and I don’t want to be miserable. I want to enjoy my time with my kids, friends and family. 

I don’t want to feel sad or anxious or angry. A little of this is just my personality, but I don’t want to be ruled by it. In the practice of Self Compassion I talk to myself in the way I talk to my friends. I tell them that they are doing a great job at life and as parents. I try to always encourage them. I should treat myself the same way I treat the people I love. I love myself right? It is amazing the horrible things I say to myself. I would never say things like, “you’re a really bad parent,” or, “you suck at life,” to anyone, ever! I think, “they are doing the best they can with what they have.” I should say this to myself (all the time!).

Self Compassion takes practice to become good at it. I can’t just think, “I’m not going to be hard on myself anymore,” and then I’m magically fixed. This is true of so many things in life. For example, I run because I enjoy it and it benefits my mental health. I enjoy the process and the journey of running and I plan to keep doing it as long as my body will let me. It is my running practice. I am trying to practice being nicer to myself and reminding myself that dealing with hard things in life is part of the journey and I have to practice coping and dealing with it. I won’t wake up one day and all of a sudden being a parent will be easy. Even when the girls have grown up and gone off to live their own lives, there will still be challenging times. Whatever the coping mechanism is, it has to be practiced daily. 

It’s funny to think that I have to practice being nice to myself. I believe it’s important though. I do not want my little girls to be like me when they grow up. I want them to be strong and confident and not give a care to what other people think. I want them to love themselves unconditionally and be self compassionate. Sure, we all make mistakes and do things we regret, but I want my girls to be able to learn from it, shake it off and move on. I don’t want them to hold onto failings and ignore the successes like I do. The first step into ensuring that the girls are self compassionate is to model it for them. Having Self Compassion for myself shows them that they should also have Self Compassion. I will tell myself, “I know this is hard, but I can do it!”

Take a Break

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

When I was struggling the most after my second daughter was born I went to therapy. I’ve done therapy on and off as an adult and I’ve always found it to be really helpful. I like the safety of venting about what’s really on my mind to someone who is completely outside of my life. One of my therapists told me, “depression doesn’t care what your situation is”. Any one can get depressed regardless of their financial or family situation. No matter what stresses or opportunities a person has, they can still feel sad or overwhelmed or anxious. Even dads or a partner who didn’t give birth to their child can get postpartum depression. 

I often feel like I have no business feeling down about my girls. I have a great husband and a house and plenty of food. I even have the luxury of being able to stay home with my children and choosing to work part time. Regardless of all this, parenting is hard. I don’t get to clock out at the end of the day. There are always at least 2 people whom I’m responsible for 24/7. Responsible for feeding, clothing, bathing, keeping safe, and showing unconditional love. As I write this, it sounds like it shouldn’t be that hard. But almost 6 years later I’m fried. My saving grace right now is the school day. I finally have a predictable 3 hours a day, 4 days a week to do what I want to do. It’s usually working on this project or one of my other part-time jobs, but I get to do it without distractions. 

Even with these scheduled breaks, I still feel the need to take a break from my kids most evenings and weekends, they are exhausting and require constant supervision. I encourage them to be creative and play on their own, but it often ends in the two of them ripping each other’s hair out (literally!).

While feeling stressed and tired seem to be part of the parenting package, feeling sad and overly fatigued or even just numb don’t have to be my norm. I can feel the sadness just under the surface most days. It creeps through if I get a little too tired or hungry or if I haven’t exercised in a few days. I have learned that I need to ask for help, from my husband or family or a friend. Or even better, book a babysitter!

Postpartum depression is a component of being a parent for me but it does not define my parenting journey. It has been and will continue to be a challenge to overcome. It takes practice to stop judging myself constantly. It takes planned breaks and self care to keep me from going dark and allowing myself to model being healthy for my girls. I choose to prioritize my mental health for me and for my family. When I’m not feeling sad or mad or numb, I have a chance to be a good parent. 

Finding my way out of the fog means taking care of myself by taking a break. It’s not ignoring my kids and family, just taking a little bit of time each day for me. Most days it’s going for a run alone or going to work out with a friend, or eating a meal by myself without someone climbing on me or asking for me to get them something the second I sit down. Talking with a friend for 5 minutes works really well too! These short breaks from my kids are cherished “me time” and are crucial to the quality of my parenting and my enjoyment of life.