Category: Parenting

Thought Distortions

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

My daughter is struggling right now will feelings of rejection and failure at school. She is using broad generalizations describing how “all the kids tell her that her work is ugly”, or “nobody wants to play with me”. These are horrible things to hear out of your 8 year old’s mouth. It is triggering for me because I think the same things about myself and I’m in my 40s. I don’t want my daughter to have to go through life feeling like she is anything less than perfect. I tell her that “daddy and I will love her no matter what, forever”. I have also tried to give her the mantra: “I’m still learning and that’s ok!” It hasn’t stuck yet, but we’re working on it, and that’s ok!

I know that a part of this distorted thinking is inborn personality, but most of it has to have been learned. Have I been telling her that she’s not good enough? What are my actions that are causing her to think that she has to be perfect in school for people to like her? I’m already freaking out about how difficult middle school and high school will be with cell phones and social media. Kids can be real assholes sometimes. I thought I’d have more time before we had to deal with this.

I have personally been working to reframe my own thought distortions. I often make generalizations like, “no one cares what I have to say”, or “I always say the wrong thing”. When I’m thinking these thoughts, I truly believe them wholeheartedly. When it is pointed out to me that I’ve had this thought, I can realize that, yes, sometimes I say the wrong thing, but most of time I’m on the right track. And there are enough people who care what I have to say. I’m not trying to be famous. Actually, I’d rather not be famous. These thought distortions lead to core beliefs like “I am not worthy of people’s love or attention”. I have held this core belief for my whole life. I am working to shift my thought patterns and reframe the way I talk to myself, but it will take time. I know that I cannot go back and relive the past (I really don’t want to), but I wonder where in my past these thoughts took root and what could I have done differently. Maybe there is an insight that I can use to help my daughters feel confident in their skin regardless of the crap going on around them.

I want to make sure that my daughter changes this thought pattern before it becomes a core belief. We have been having nice conversations lately where she talks about her experiences and I explain to her that the only person who’s opinion matters is her own. She cannot compare herself to anyone else. She is perfect just the way she is, and any “imperfections” make her unique. Anyone who is her real friend will like her for exactly who she is, and she will choose people to be her friends because she is drawn to their uniqueness too. I think the best thing I can do as a parent is keep the communication open. I want her to feel like she can tell me anything and we can talk about the hard stuff. I need her to know that I’m here for her even when it feels like no one else is. We can grow up together and hopefully help each other trust that we are enough.

Journal Entry 1/28/2020

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

Today I went to a vision planning workshop put on by 2 of the moms at my daughter’s preschool. The women who led it were amazing, inspirational and encouraging as was the experience overall. The goal was to visualize my goals for 2020 and create a vision board inspired by these goals. I had never done a vision board, and I was curious to see how It could help me. There were about 20 women at the workshop and the evening began with introductions and everyone talking about why they were there. It was very intimidating to listen to all the women describe why they were there. I was so scared to start crying I said something very brief and they moved on. I entered the evening in a sad emotional state so I was disappointed in myself right from the start. I didn’t engage anyone in conversation because I decided I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Which was the complete opposite of the purpose of the event. One of the main purposes of the workshop was to make connections and start relationships with other women who are also trying to improve themselves regardless of their individual situations. Next time I will come with a more open attitude about chatting and not assume people don’t want to talk to me, or are not interested in what I have to say.

We did an exercise to identify the things in our life that give us energy and the things that drain our energy. I wish I had had more time to sit with this but I was able to create a good list in the time I had. It was interesting to see that many things on my list give and take energy and exist on both sides of the list. We then tore up the draining list and focused on the energy giving list. 

Next we did a guided visualization about our ideal day 3 years from now. My ideal day involved getting out of my bed that had no kids in it. Making 2 school lunches, then walking 2 girls to elementary school. Then going for a run and following it with a shower. Then I’d have until 5pm to write and do whatever job I am doing in 3 years. I imagined being a health coach and working with clients. Then I picked up the girls at 5pm and we sat down to eat dinner together. A dinner that I cooked, and we talked about our days together. There was no screaming or complaining. Then my husband came home and we read books with the girls and went to bed. The girls in their room and me and my husband in ours. What a great day!

Then we used fabric scraps to create vision boards to represent that future. The colors we chose represented different things, like emotional balance, optimism, or creativity. I chose colors that represent what I want for myself in terms of my family and then for a career or purpose. I threw my vision board together quickly because there were limited scissors and glue, and I was scared to share my thoughts with the other participants. Even so, I think it accurately represents my current emotional state as well as where I want it to be in the future. The edges of the fabrics are raw and uneven like my current life and emotional state, but the fabrics overlap and move towards the middle to represent how family and life overlap. The colors almost look like they are reaching for each other, encouraging me grow and succeed.

The workshop was just what I need right now. Doing the exercises with a room full of women was challenging, but I was reminded that I’m not the only one who is struggling, and no one has this life thing figured out all the time. It has inspired me to continue the exercise on my own and take more time to reflect and continue the endless journey of healing and creating balance in my life.

Journal Entry 2/6/2020

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

The calm never lasts. I’ve had a few good days, so it’s about time for a melt down. I have hired a babysitter for 2 hours tonight so I can get some stuff done. By stuff, I mean writing this blog. I haven’t had time to sit, edit and publish anything in 2 months. I was hoping to get some posts polished and posted tonight.

At 5:00pm when the babysitter arrived, both girls broke down and started crying and screaming. I was torn between letting the babysitter go home while I held my crying girls so they could empty their emotional backpacks, and just telling the babysitter “good luck!” and leaving. Ultimately, I gave the girls half an hour of my precious free time and they thankfully calmed down. My younger daughter started screaming again as soon as I handed her over to the babysitter, but I know it won’t last. Once she sees there is fun to be had, she’ll forget about being upset and dive in. I also know that as long as I hold her she’ll keep crying. It’s like she wants to make sure I’m good and guilty before I finally let her go. I get it though, mommy’s arms are cozy and safe. I wish my mom could just hold me forever too.

I hate to have these moments in front of other people. Especially when the person is my 13 year old neighbor who is great at playing, but hasn’t learned about managing a tantruming 2 and 6 year old (at the same time). She is great though! I am often impressed that such a young person can handle my highly emotional children.

On the bright side, I did do one thing well tonight. I had the presence of mind to have self compassion. I took the time to acknowledge that this moment is hard when I was in it and took a deep breath. I was able to remind myself that my older daughter has been building toward a big emotional unloading for a few days now. I was able to find patience by slowing down and letting go of the embarrassment I was feeling and the frustration of losing my precious free time. I knew that if I took a few more minutes to listen to my daughter while she raged, she’d move through it faster and have a better time with the babysitter.

Now that I’ve had a moment to process and cool down, I’m proud of myself for managing the situation. I think I did the best that I could do in that moment and I don’t feel like I can say that very often. Now I’m off the get some stuff done.

I Am Grateful

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

I don’t want my blog to be a total bummer and I don’t want people to get the impression that I hate being a parent or my kids all the time. As the Holiday season begins and I am looking forward to spending time with my extended family I am reminded that there are many things that I do like and love about my kids and being a parent.

I have really enjoyed watching my girls grow and mature. It’s so much more fun to hang out with them when we can have a conversation. They ask good questions and it’s interesting to know what they are curious about. I love their little voices and how they mispronounce certain words. My younger daughter used to ask me to “hold you” when she wanted me to hold her. Then as she realized that the word that represented her was “me” she added it to the sentence and asked us to “hold you me”! It was super cute even when I was frustrated with her.

I have also been thankful for their strength, both physical and emotional. My older daughter can do the monkey bars and climb street sign poles to the top and can jump off of high things. While this all sounds dangerous, to me it represents the fact that she doesn’t see these things as hard. She has the courage to try and limited fear about getting hurt. Fear of getting hurt has been a huge limiting factor in my own life. I hate to do a lot of “fun” things because I’m scared to get hurt. My daughter falls off her bicycle and dusts off the dirt and gets back on and keeps going. We often talk about being ready to “try again”. I’m really thankful that she has the courage to try again and I’m thankful for her for teaching me how to have courage.

I am grateful for my parent friends and the school communities that my children belong to. I am so thankful that there are people near me who are experiencing the same struggles that I am. I wish it was easy and lovely all the time for everyone, but it’s not, and I’m grateful to everyone who shares with me all the good and bad stuff they deal with everyday. I’m grateful to all the parents and friends who listen to me talk about all the ups and downs too! Without your support and encouragement, I wouldn’t be able to do this parent thing.

I am thankful for old friends. Thank you to my friends who have continued to check in with me and continued to make a place for me in your life! I am not good at keeping in touch, and friendships seem to be hard to maintain when we don’t live near each other. But I am so thankful that I have friends who send me a text or email out of the blue just to tell me that they are thinking of me. It’s amazing how uplifting it is to know people are thinking of me.

I’m especially grateful to my family. My mom, sister and husband are the life net that keeps me from hitting the ground and breaking my neck! I know that my mom will always love me unconditionally. (I know my dad does too, but sadly he’s not around anymore to tell me). I know that my sister will always be on my side and that I’ll be on her’s. I also know that I can call her 24/7 and she’ll always be happy I called. I’m grateful to my husband because he will have the hard conversations with me even though it hurts, because we know it has to happen and we’ll be stronger when we’re done. He values our partnership above all else and loves and supports me through good and bad.

Some other little things I’m thankful for this time of year are shorter days and warmer blankets. I’m thankful for seeing my extended family and continuing Holiday traditions that we’ve had since I was a baby. I love to eat good food and watch the rain from the comfort of my living room window. I’m thankful for the opportunities to teach my girls our Holiday traditions and to create new ones. I am thankful for this internet platform to share my thoughts with the world and to those of you who have taken the time to read it. I am grateful that I can find healing and some moments of peace in this crazy journey.

So Many Ways To Show Love

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

I am not big on hugs and loud hellos and goodbyes with my kids. I’m often desperate to hand them off to someone else and get a break. Sometimes the child-free time feels too short and I’m not ready to get back to parenting when I pick them up. I see other parents act so excited to see their kids when they pick them up from school that I have wondered if there’s something wrong with me. 

I know that we all parent differently and this is just how I am right now. I definitely say “I love you” and give them hugs and kisses, but it’s not overly enthusiastic. I know my girls know that I love them because I show it in many different ways. Like cutting their sandwiches into hearts or stars. Just packing them school lunch counts, especially when I’ve gotten up at 6:15am to do it!

Making sure they are fed, dressed, bathed, safe, and get enough sleep are all ways parents show love. If I didn’t care, I’d ignore them and let them fend for themselves. This also contributes to my constant feeling of burnout, but I know it won’t be like this forever. The way I show love will grow and change as they do.

I’ve written this post to remind me that I do love my girls even when I don’t like them sometimes. My hope is that when they’re older and reflect back on their childhood they will have a warm fuzzy feeling and the confident knowledge that their dad and I are proud of them and love them unconditionally. Even when we yell, slam doors, and say things we regret.

When I think of the daily things I do as a parent, I think it’s all just a big “I love you” note! I wipe their nose and butt, cook them foods they like, buy them cute clothes, walk to school twice a day, read the same book over and over, and over. I come running when they shout for help, even when I’m pretty sure it’s just because they want me to get them a snack while they sit comfortably on the couch and watch TV. I carry my 2.5 year old in the backpack carrier for hours because she just wants to be held. I make sure there are always snacks and an extra pair of undies and pants with us wherever we go. I say “I love it!” whenever one of the girls shows me a picture she’s drawn. I let my 2.5 year old “help” me with the laundry. I let my 5 year old jump on the bed. We take the girls to an enclosed track where they can ride their bicycles. We go to the playground. I work at my daughter’s preschool once a week. We take the girls to swim class every week and my husband gets into the pool with our younger daughter. I make sure my older daughter gets to soccer practice on time. Even when she’s screaming at me that I brought the wrong snacks. I stay close when either of them is having a meltdown and just needs to cry. Showing this much love is exhausting!!

Even when I’m feeling down about being a parent, looking at this list reminds me that I do care and love my kids. I might even enjoy being a parent sometimes. If I was truly a bad parent, I wouldn’t care so much about being a good parent. I do care that my girls know that they are loved. It is my only wish that after our lives have played themselves out that my girls can look back and have no doubts about the solid fact that they were and are loved unconditionally by their parents.


My Instagram Family

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

I have an Instagram account (@fennermorgan). I haven’t used it in about 5 years. I recently logged onto it for the purpose of posting my blog. The few photos posted are of my first little girl as a baby (That’s how I know it’s been 5 years). I never got into using instagram because I truly didn’t believe anyone cared what I had to say or show. 

I started using Facebook in 2007 and have continued to use Facebook on and off because I used it as a communication tool for a previous job. I also used to scroll through my feed to see what people I knew were up to. I was too scared to actually contact them directly because, again, I truly believed that they didn’t really care what I had to say or how I was doing.

I quit Facebook last year because it made me sad. When I was already feeling like a failure as a parent, it didn’t help to see other parents post about how beautiful and wonderful their kids are and how much joy and love they brought to their lives. I did not share this sentiment about my own kids and I felt like there was something wrong with me.

I hate the Instagram filter that so many of us put on our lives. I don’t post pictures of my kids because I often can’t think of anything nice to say about them. I also worry that I might post something that they find embarrassing someday. I want to tell everyone that this parenting thing sucks for me, but I don’t want my kids to see it someday and think that I don’t love them. Because I do love them.

When I fell off of Facebook, I was so convinced that I was a failure as a parent because I didn’t feel the same way about my kids as my friends did in their posts. I hope no one takes offense to this, because it’s not about you, it’s about my own self judgement and jealousy about what you have with your children. I do love my kids, but I don’t like them sometimes. I often don’t see the kind, empathic, courageous person that others tell me they see. I get the punching, screaming banshee who kicks me in the shin because I won’t let her watch a movie as soon as we get home from school. Or the grumpy 2 year old who just lays down and cries instead of saying, “No thank you Mommy, I’d prefer milk instead of water”. Or the two of them deliberately being mean to each other just for the sport of upsetting the other one.

I appreciate that some parents can be honest about their kids and their experiences. I really think the parents who post about the hard times are brave and real and amazing! I also appreciate that most parents truly feel joy just to look upon their beautiful children. I always imagined that would be me.

I have reintroduced Facebook into my life as a tool for this blog and I am slowly learning to appreciate that we all put different filters on our lives, and social media is one place that it happens a lot. I am beginning to have the courage to comment on other people’s posts, and I’m making it a goal to comment back to people who comment on my posts. It’s scary for me! Even though I’m spending the time to write this blog, I’m still fearful that people don’t care what I have to say or that I’ll write the wrong thing. 

My judgement of others is really a judgement of myself. If I find myself making a judgement on someone else, I can usually identify that same trait in myself as something that I’m not proud of or would like to change. I don’t hate that other parents love their children. I wish I felt the same and got the same joy from being in their presence. Hopefully someday I’ll have worked through all this depression and burnout and negativity and I will find joy in merely looking upon my beautiful girls.

Self Compassion

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

In the last year I have been working on Self Compassion. Self Compassion is being kind to yourself even when you are faced with personal failings. There have been at least 3 separate times in the last year that someone has mentioned Self Compassion to me as something they think would help me. They specifically recommend watching Kristen Neff’s Ted Talk. You can watch it here. Each time someone tells me about Self Compassion, I practice it for a few weeks, and then forget about it and return to my negative thinking. It seems to me that the universe is trying to tell me to keep practicing and that I really should be nicer to myself. Negative thoughts and self talk don’t serve me. These negative thoughts only make me miserable and I don’t want to be miserable. I want to enjoy my time with my kids, friends and family. 

I don’t want to feel sad or anxious or angry. A little of this is just my personality, but I don’t want to be ruled by it. In the practice of Self Compassion I talk to myself in the way I talk to my friends. I tell them that they are doing a great job at life and as parents. I try to always encourage them. I should treat myself the same way I treat the people I love. I love myself right? It is amazing the horrible things I say to myself. I would never say things like, “you’re a really bad parent,” or, “you suck at life,” to anyone, ever! I think, “they are doing the best they can with what they have.” I should say this to myself (all the time!).

Self Compassion takes practice to become good at it. I can’t just think, “I’m not going to be hard on myself anymore,” and then I’m magically fixed. This is true of so many things in life. For example, I run because I enjoy it and it benefits my mental health. I enjoy the process and the journey of running and I plan to keep doing it as long as my body will let me. It is my running practice. I am trying to practice being nicer to myself and reminding myself that dealing with hard things in life is part of the journey and I have to practice coping and dealing with it. I won’t wake up one day and all of a sudden being a parent will be easy. Even when the girls have grown up and gone off to live their own lives, there will still be challenging times. Whatever the coping mechanism is, it has to be practiced daily. 

It’s funny to think that I have to practice being nice to myself. I believe it’s important though. I do not want my little girls to be like me when they grow up. I want them to be strong and confident and not give a care to what other people think. I want them to love themselves unconditionally and be self compassionate. Sure, we all make mistakes and do things we regret, but I want my girls to be able to learn from it, shake it off and move on. I don’t want them to hold onto failings and ignore the successes like I do. The first step into ensuring that the girls are self compassionate is to model it for them. Having Self Compassion for myself shows them that they should also have Self Compassion. I will tell myself, “I know this is hard, but I can do it!”