Depression

I am Enough

Posted on April 20, 2022 by Morgan Fenner

I have been climbing out of a depressive episode over the last few months and I am finally feeling like a normal person again. Of course, by normal, I mean not being overwhelmed by sadness or numbness to the point that I could not function in the outside world. I have been taking steps to recover and I have worked hard to find relief. I was not able to bootstrap myself up alone. Therapy, medication, and family support all played parts in the puzzle. I am still working to continue my upward journey. Exercise and social interaction are some of the biggest factors in my continued success. I have been enjoying talking with people and I have felt less fear about putting myself out in the world, and opening myself to judgment and opinions. One of the things that I have been able to do for myself lately is believe in my own worthiness to exist. It still feels a bit like bragging but I am writing this for myself and other people’s opinions are their own.

I am enough. This body is enough. I deserve to hold space in this world and society. I am strong, kind and compassionate. I have survived 41 years of economical, political, emotional, and cultural ups and downs. My body has been pregnant 3 times and given birth twice. This body has loved, lost, hated, and recovered. It has felt the pain and numbness of postpartum depression and major depression. It has felt the love and encouragement of family and friends. This body gives really good hugs. It can ride a bike and run and hike and challenge itself physically. It enjoys cookies, cake and candy. The shape of this body is the result of a life lived. This body can push through overwhelming fatigue to get to the end of the day and wake up the next morning to do it all again. This human can set aside her own needs to care for others and then realize that her own needs are important too. This body is perfect in its imperfection. I am what I am and that is enough.

Posted on February 7, 2022 by Morgan Fenner

Disclaimer: This is a very personal post and is a description of how I feel during a bad episode of Depression. If you are triggered by talk of depression or suicide, please skip this one. I am currently getting help and am not at risk of harming myself. If you are thinking of harming yourself or someone around you please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800.273.8255. There is nothing glamorous about depression and my words are my way of sharing with others what it’s like for me and that if you also experience depression, you are not alone!

Every day is a rainy stormy day and I want to cozy up in bed and pull the covers over my head. The light hurts my eyes. I have so little control over the thoughts that go through my head that I have to keep my headphones on playing anything that will distract me from the negative words. The smallest upset triggers tears and pain in my chest. I feel out of control, overwhelmed and weak. The things that should bring me joy make me numb or feel guilty. I am a failure as a human. Maybe I shouldn’t be a human anymore.

The world feels foggy and blurry and it’s as if I have weights on my shoulders that make it hard to stand up straight. I don’t understand how everyone keeps going on with their lives when I can barely get myself out bed and I’m instantly irritated by my kids who are too loud and move too fast. I’m supposed to be happy and joyous because my life is so great. I have 2 beautiful daughters and a husband and a house and plenty to eat. Why do I feel like I am a failure at life?

I worry too much about how others feel and what they think. I see a friend and when they ask how I’m doing, I say “I’m good” with my fingers crossed behind my back. I’m convinced that everyone secretly thinks I’m stupid and a horrible person and parent. Their smiles are fake and once I leave they will be relived that they don’t have to be around me anymore.

I’m in a constant state of exhaustion. It doesn’t matter how much sleep I get, which is hard to get due to insomnia. I’m tired and my face hurts and my eyes might fall out of my head from crying. Sometimes I’m too numb to cry. I want to be awake in the night when it’s dark and I want to be asleep during the day because the light is too bright. I want to wear my sunglasses inside. Maybe I can find time for a nap so I don’t have to live this day.

Food is not interesting. It looks gross and it tastes gross. But I know that if I don’t eat my low blood sugar will make me feel worse. So I eat junk, which tastes gross, but who cares?

Now I’m feeling like I won’t survive. I keep thinking, I can’t do this anymore. I’m done. Somehow I claw my way to the end of the day. Victory! I’ve survived the day and I can rest. Well, I wish I could. The voice in my head keeps reminding me that I’m a failure of a human, a mom, a friend. Everyone is disappointed in me because I didn’t get done all the things I needed to get done. It won’t shut up. So I distract myself with a movie, or an audio book or podcast. I’ve been lying in bed for 4 hours now. I’m so tired that I want to cry. And now I’m feeling anxious that tomorrow will be harder because I’m not getting a good night sleep. Now one of the girls is up and I have to go help them. I know once I’m out of bed it will take an hour to fall asleep. My exhaustion finally takes me into unconsciousness. When the alarm goes off, I feel worse than I did yesterday. My nap hasn’t helped ease the fatigue. And now I have to do it all again. The overwhelm is so heavy that I physically feel heavier. I will survive the day because somehow I always do. I think, if I only had a break, but that wont help. Nothing helps.

When I’m in a depressive episode it feels like there’s nothing that will get me out of it. I do all the things. I exercise, I eat healthy, I go outside and get some sun. But I can’t help but succumb and crumble to floor in puddle of sadness and anger. It’s as if a toxic fog has infiltrated my brain and heart. It has soaked through to every cell of me and refuses to release me. Its triumph is the sacrifice of my heart’s love and life.

I know that I am not alone in my experience of depression. Which gives me hope and also makes me sad. I don’t wish feeling like this on any one. I am working on getting better and I know that the journey will have its ups and down. While I don’t need to be a bubbly excited person, I would like to be a functioning person. I want to find joy and confidence and move past fear and constant doubt in myself. I don’t want to fight my physiology anymore. I want to live in the sun and smile just because I’m alive.

April 2020

Posted on September 9, 2020July 13, 2021 by Morgan Fenner

As the Shelter-in-place order continued, I experienced so many emotions. The “new normal” settled in and I had a hard time wrapping my brain around it. I had spent so much energy trying to find ways to cope with being a parent before the pandemic and most of my strategies involved spending time away from my girls. Once that opportunity was taken away I immediately began to struggle. April was full of challenges and scary emotions. My journal from April helps me to see that we’ve come a long way in the last few months.

Thursday April 2

I’m feeling hopeless and useless today, and for the first time since this shelter-in-place business started I’m feeling truly depressed. I’m scared because I’m feeling exactly how I did 2 years ago when I was deep in my postpartum depression and just surviving each day. I get to the end of the day and I am so grateful because I’ve made it. When I wake up in the morning the sense of overwhelm and sadness causes my heart to race and my head hurts and the light is too bright. I want to stay in bed all day and hide. But I can’t because there are 2 little girls jumping on me. I don’t even have the option to call the babysitter, or go to the zoo or playground. We could go for a walk or bike ride, but no chance of meeting up with friends to play. There is rarely a chance to talk to adults either. Any time I try to talk with someone on the phone or video call or even from the window, my older daughter switches into freak out mode and starts screaming and running around like an insane monkey. I’m exhausted by lunchtime and even when my husband is done working I’m still on the job. Not until I’m asleep do I get an actual break. I have done minimal writing or work on my pre-quarantine projects.

The girls are emotional too. But I can’t help them because I don’t have the patience. My older daughter needs to kick and scream and call me names to get her emotions out and I can’t handle it. My younger daughter needs to rage too. Her last tantrum involved all the curse words I say under my breath. At least she’s using the words properly.

I’m not sure how we’re going to get through this. I know we will, but it’s not going to be pretty. My older daughter refuses to do school work, or even just read or write.

Sunday April 5

Today was rough. I keep thinking it should be easier with two parents on duty, but I think it’s actually harder. I think we both get triggered by different things and our tolerance and patience are at different levels and we handle situations differently based on that. I am not as strict about setting and holding a limit. Which means I tend to get walked on by the girls more than he does. But being so strict doesn’t feel good to me. I want to give my girls a chance before I follow through with the consequences. My husband is good at holding his limit and not giving in to crying. He does know when to back off and just give her a hug too. I am more likely to get frustrated and mad and need to walk away when the girls need me to just stop and hug them. It’s hard to know the difference when I’m so angry and don’t want anyone to touch me. When there are 2 of us parenting I also don’t react as fast to the screaming. When it’s just me 5 days a week I know that I have to drop everything every time they start screaming or call for help. On the weekend I can wait and see if daddy will help first.

Now, at the end if the day, we are both exhausted and desperate for the girls to go to sleep. Not only do we need to get some sleep, but we need to get the household tasks done that we couldn’t do during the day. We spent all day with two girls who are going stir crazy from the rain and being home from school. They need their schools and teachers and friends. They need their swim class and rock climbing and gymnastics and soccer and the play dates. I need a break!

Thursday April 9

The last few days have been emotional. After next week my husband will be furloughed and will no longer be working.

Tuesday April 14

Keeping up with my journal has proven to be a challenge. My days are maxed out with my 2 girls and any down time I have is spent sleeping or vegging. I’m not in the mood to write because it means I have to sit with my emotions and feelings, and when I’m tired, it doesn’t feel good. I’m wiped out. My older daughter has begun distance learning and is now required to finish her assignments and upload them to her teacher’s website. We are 3 days in and we’re already 13 assignments behind. I know that it’s only Kindergarten and it doesn’t really matter, but I’m the kind of person who turns in all her homework. The fact that I can’t zero it out at the end of the day drives my anxiety sky high.

My younger daughter is starting to behave badly now because I can’t give her attention all the time. I have to help sissy on the computer so little sissy goes crazy and acts out, and now I’m super overwhelmed and I’m screaming at both of them and we are all crying.

The silver lining is that my big girl can now rollerskate and my little girl is about to learn to ride a peddle bike all by herself. I’m getting into pretty good running shape (even if my waistline is expanding).

One day at a time.

Friday April 17

Today is my younger daughter’s 3rd Birthday. I think we managed to make it a special day. I think that a 3 year old won’t really remember sheltering-in-place let alone her 3rd birthday. She got to do a zoom meeting with her preschool class mates, but we didn’t get her a present. Fortunately, her uncle and grandma sent packages and saved the day! Maybe next year it will be safe enough to have a birthday party.

Monday April 27

It’s been awhile since I wrote anything. I can’t seem to manage to write more than a few sentences anyway.

I have Zoom fatigue. And so do my kids. Interacting with people via video is just not the same as real life. I can’t stand watching my older daughter make faces into the camera. She even starts licking the camera (This has happened many times). She can’t stay focused and I get embarrassed and frustrated. We’ve actually stopped joining most meetings. My younger daughter just walks away and leaves an empty frame. I can’t find my voice when I’m on a meeting. I don’t normally speak up anyway, but this platform exaggerates my anxiety and self conciseness. If I am on a social meeting, I don’t know how to excuse myself. I can do one on one, but even then, it’s awkward. I even feel it talking to my mom sometimes. This is one of the reason’s I hate talking on the phone. Anytime there is silence, I get nervous. I’m ready to have real life dates with friends. I’m ready for my girls to be able to be around people again. I hope they don’t come out of this socially stunted (I know they wont, kids are incredibly adaptable).