I have written a dozen or so blog posts in the last year, but I have not published any of them. This last year and half has just been too emotionally challenging for me and my family. My girls were home from school and we spent all day every day with each other. My husband has been working from home exclusively as well. I hope that in the future I look back and think how lucky I was to have spent so much time with my girls when they were little. Right now, all I feel is frustration, resentment and anger. I’m angry that our lives were disrupted by the pandemic. I’m angry that both of my girls seem to be behind in their social emotional development. I’m angry that it feels like my fault because their only model for how to be human for a year was a grumpy depressed mommy who is resentful of having to put her life on hold to take care of two girls who are whiney and often ungrateful for the sacrifice she has made.
Now that the girls are finally back in school I have the opportunity to do some therapy. I finally have a chance to breath and take care of myself. For so long I pushed all the emotions down and chose not to feel anything. Now that I have some free time, the flood gates are opening wide and I often find myself crying for undefined reasons. I know that I need to deal with all the frustrations as a result of the pandemic, but it’s hard and usually doesn’t feel very good.
One of the things I am working on right now is understanding that my negative feelings are fueling my anger. It’s like my anger is the tip of a huge iceberg, and below the surface are all the negative emotions I have been feeling since March 2020. It has been interesting to reflect back on the last 18 months and realize that all the times that I was screaming at my kids was partly the result of all the underlying feelings that feed my anger. I am frustrated that I had to quit working just as I was beginning to go back to work. I’m mad that I had been doing so much work emotionally to get through my postpartum depression only to have to shut myself away in quarantine. I’m stressed that my girls will get behind socially and academically. I’m sad that my daughter keeps screaming at me and I don’t know how to help her. I’m grieving for the friendships that I have lost and those I am not cultivating because I’m too shy to reach out to anyone. I’m tired of always being with my family and not having any time alone. I’m anxious about letting my family back out into the world where they could get sick and possibly have health consequences for the rest of their lives. And on and on until I’m drowning in a sea of despair.
I know that the pandemic is far from over. But at least there is hope again. I know that there are safe environments to be with people. Going to the store or sitting outside at a restaurant are not dangerous. My girls are used to wearing masks and I feel that the risk of going to school is worth it, not only for their emotional and academic health but also for mine. I am also able to reflect in the moment about what is feeding my anger (some of the time), which is helping me to have space for my girls when they are angry. While the patience is still not unlimited, there is a little more of it to be found. I am finding that I am able to help my girls a little more with their own anger, even if all I can do is notice that the tantrum is a result of anger (with it’s underlying emotions). I am also learning to reframe my thinking in ways that defuse my anger. This morning I chose to get out of bed to help my girls get ready and be on time for school. Today I get to do laundry and dishes and make dinner. Hopefully I’ll continue to learn techniques for quieting my anger. For now, I’m choosing to be proud of myself for trying.
