As the Shelter-in-place order continued, I experienced so many emotions. The “new normal” settled in and I had a hard time wrapping my brain around it. I had spent so much energy trying to find ways to cope with being a parent before the pandemic and most of my strategies involved spending time away from my girls. Once that opportunity was taken away I immediately began to struggle. April was full of challenges and scary emotions. My journal from April helps me to see that we’ve come a long way in the last few months.
Thursday April 2
I’m feeling hopeless and useless today, and for the first time since this shelter-in-place business started I’m feeling truly depressed. I’m scared because I’m feeling exactly how I did 2 years ago when I was deep in my postpartum depression and just surviving each day. I get to the end of the day and I am so grateful because I’ve made it. When I wake up in the morning the sense of overwhelm and sadness causes my heart to race and my head hurts and the light is too bright. I want to stay in bed all day and hide. But I can’t because there are 2 little girls jumping on me. I don’t even have the option to call the babysitter, or go to the zoo or playground. We could go for a walk or bike ride, but no chance of meeting up with friends to play. There is rarely a chance to talk to adults either. Any time I try to talk with someone on the phone or video call or even from the window, my older daughter switches into freak out mode and starts screaming and running around like an insane monkey. I’m exhausted by lunchtime and even when my husband is done working I’m still on the job. Not until I’m asleep do I get an actual break. I have done minimal writing or work on my pre-quarantine projects.
The girls are emotional too. But I can’t help them because I don’t have the patience. My older daughter needs to kick and scream and call me names to get her emotions out and I can’t handle it. My younger daughter needs to rage too. Her last tantrum involved all the curse words I say under my breath. At least she’s using the words properly.
I’m not sure how we’re going to get through this. I know we will, but it’s not going to be pretty. My older daughter refuses to do school work, or even just read or write.
Sunday April 5
Today was rough. I keep thinking it should be easier with two parents on duty, but I think it’s actually harder. I think we both get triggered by different things and our tolerance and patience are at different levels and we handle situations differently based on that. I am not as strict about setting and holding a limit. Which means I tend to get walked on by the girls more than he does. But being so strict doesn’t feel good to me. I want to give my girls a chance before I follow through with the consequences. My husband is good at holding his limit and not giving in to crying. He does know when to back off and just give her a hug too. I am more likely to get frustrated and mad and need to walk away when the girls need me to just stop and hug them. It’s hard to know the difference when I’m so angry and don’t want anyone to touch me. When there are 2 of us parenting I also don’t react as fast to the screaming. When it’s just me 5 days a week I know that I have to drop everything every time they start screaming or call for help. On the weekend I can wait and see if daddy will help first.
Now, at the end if the day, we are both exhausted and desperate for the girls to go to sleep. Not only do we need to get some sleep, but we need to get the household tasks done that we couldn’t do during the day. We spent all day with two girls who are going stir crazy from the rain and being home from school. They need their schools and teachers and friends. They need their swim class and rock climbing and gymnastics and soccer and the play dates. I need a break!
Thursday April 9
The last few days have been emotional. After next week my husband will be furloughed and will no longer be working.
Tuesday April 14
Keeping up with my journal has proven to be a challenge. My days are maxed out with my 2 girls and any down time I have is spent sleeping or vegging. I’m not in the mood to write because it means I have to sit with my emotions and feelings, and when I’m tired, it doesn’t feel good. I’m wiped out. My older daughter has begun distance learning and is now required to finish her assignments and upload them to her teacher’s website. We are 3 days in and we’re already 13 assignments behind. I know that it’s only Kindergarten and it doesn’t really matter, but I’m the kind of person who turns in all her homework. The fact that I can’t zero it out at the end of the day drives my anxiety sky high.
My younger daughter is starting to behave badly now because I can’t give her attention all the time. I have to help sissy on the computer so little sissy goes crazy and acts out, and now I’m super overwhelmed and I’m screaming at both of them and we are all crying.
The silver lining is that my big girl can now rollerskate and my little girl is about to learn to ride a peddle bike all by herself. I’m getting into pretty good running shape (even if my waistline is expanding).
One day at a time.
Friday April 17
Today is my younger daughter’s 3rd Birthday. I think we managed to make it a special day. I think that a 3 year old won’t really remember sheltering-in-place let alone her 3rd birthday. She got to do a zoom meeting with her preschool class mates, but we didn’t get her a present. Fortunately, her uncle and grandma sent packages and saved the day! Maybe next year it will be safe enough to have a birthday party.
Monday April 27
It’s been awhile since I wrote anything. I can’t seem to manage to write more than a few sentences anyway.
I have Zoom fatigue. And so do my kids. Interacting with people via video is just not the same as real life. I can’t stand watching my older daughter make faces into the camera. She even starts licking the camera (This has happened many times). She can’t stay focused and I get embarrassed and frustrated. We’ve actually stopped joining most meetings. My younger daughter just walks away and leaves an empty frame. I can’t find my voice when I’m on a meeting. I don’t normally speak up anyway, but this platform exaggerates my anxiety and self conciseness. If I am on a social meeting, I don’t know how to excuse myself. I can do one on one, but even then, it’s awkward. I even feel it talking to my mom sometimes. This is one of the reason’s I hate talking on the phone. Anytime there is silence, I get nervous. I’m ready to have real life dates with friends. I’m ready for my girls to be able to be around people again. I hope they don’t come out of this socially stunted (I know they wont, kids are incredibly adaptable).