Disclaimer: This is a very personal post and is a description of how I feel during a bad episode of Depression. If you are triggered by talk of depression or suicide, please skip this one. I am currently getting help and am not at risk of harming myself. If you are thinking of harming yourself or someone around you please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800.273.8255. There is nothing glamorous about depression and my words are my way of sharing with others what it’s like for me and that if you also experience depression, you are not alone!
Every day is a rainy stormy day and I want to cozy up in bed and pull the covers over my head. The light hurts my eyes. I have so little control over the thoughts that go through my head that I have to keep my headphones on playing anything that will distract me from the negative words. The smallest upset triggers tears and pain in my chest. I feel out of control, overwhelmed and weak. The things that should bring me joy make me numb or feel guilty. I am a failure as a human. Maybe I shouldn’t be a human anymore.
The world feels foggy and blurry and it’s as if I have weights on my shoulders that make it hard to stand up straight. I don’t understand how everyone keeps going on with their lives when I can barely get myself out bed and I’m instantly irritated by my kids who are too loud and move too fast. I’m supposed to be happy and joyous because my life is so great. I have 2 beautiful daughters and a husband and a house and plenty to eat. Why do I feel like I am a failure at life?
I worry too much about how others feel and what they think. I see a friend and when they ask how I’m doing, I say “I’m good” with my fingers crossed behind my back. I’m convinced that everyone secretly thinks I’m stupid and a horrible person and parent. Their smiles are fake and once I leave they will be relived that they don’t have to be around me anymore.
I’m in a constant state of exhaustion. It doesn’t matter how much sleep I get, which is hard to get due to insomnia. I’m tired and my face hurts and my eyes might fall out of my head from crying. Sometimes I’m too numb to cry. I want to be awake in the night when it’s dark and I want to be asleep during the day because the light is too bright. I want to wear my sunglasses inside. Maybe I can find time for a nap so I don’t have to live this day.
Food is not interesting. It looks gross and it tastes gross. But I know that if I don’t eat my low blood sugar will make me feel worse. So I eat junk, which tastes gross, but who cares?
Now I’m feeling like I won’t survive. I keep thinking, I can’t do this anymore. I’m done. Somehow I claw my way to the end of the day. Victory! I’ve survived the day and I can rest. Well, I wish I could. The voice in my head keeps reminding me that I’m a failure of a human, a mom, a friend. Everyone is disappointed in me because I didn’t get done all the things I needed to get done. It won’t shut up. So I distract myself with a movie, or an audio book or podcast. I’ve been lying in bed for 4 hours now. I’m so tired that I want to cry. And now I’m feeling anxious that tomorrow will be harder because I’m not getting a good night sleep. Now one of the girls is up and I have to go help them. I know once I’m out of bed it will take an hour to fall asleep. My exhaustion finally takes me into unconsciousness. When the alarm goes off, I feel worse than I did yesterday. My nap hasn’t helped ease the fatigue. And now I have to do it all again. The overwhelm is so heavy that I physically feel heavier. I will survive the day because somehow I always do. I think, if I only had a break, but that wont help. Nothing helps.
When I’m in a depressive episode it feels like there’s nothing that will get me out of it. I do all the things. I exercise, I eat healthy, I go outside and get some sun. But I can’t help but succumb and crumble to floor in puddle of sadness and anger. It’s as if a toxic fog has infiltrated my brain and heart. It has soaked through to every cell of me and refuses to release me. Its triumph is the sacrifice of my heart’s love and life.
I know that I am not alone in my experience of depression. Which gives me hope and also makes me sad. I don’t wish feeling like this on any one. I am working on getting better and I know that the journey will have its ups and down. While I don’t need to be a bubbly excited person, I would like to be a functioning person. I want to find joy and confidence and move past fear and constant doubt in myself. I don’t want to fight my physiology anymore. I want to live in the sun and smile just because I’m alive.
