My Instagram Family

I have an Instagram account (@fennermorgan). I haven’t used it in about 5 years. I recently logged onto it for the purpose of posting my blog. The few photos posted are of my first little girl as a baby (That’s how I know it’s been 5 years). I never got into using instagram because I truly didn’t believe anyone cared what I had to say or show. 

I started using Facebook in 2007 and have continued to use Facebook on and off because I used it as a communication tool for a previous job. I also used to scroll through my feed to see what people I knew were up to. I was too scared to actually contact them directly because, again, I truly believed that they didn’t really care what I had to say or how I was doing.

I quit Facebook last year because it made me sad. When I was already feeling like a failure as a parent, it didn’t help to see other parents post about how beautiful and wonderful their kids are and how much joy and love they brought to their lives. I did not share this sentiment about my own kids and I felt like there was something wrong with me.

I hate the Instagram filter that so many of us put on our lives. I don’t post pictures of my kids because I often can’t think of anything nice to say about them. I also worry that I might post something that they find embarrassing someday. I want to tell everyone that this parenting thing sucks for me, but I don’t want my kids to see it someday and think that I don’t love them. Because I do love them.

When I fell off of Facebook, I was so convinced that I was a failure as a parent because I didn’t feel the same way about my kids as my friends did in their posts. I hope no one takes offense to this, because it’s not about you, it’s about my own self judgement and jealousy about what you have with your children. I do love my kids, but I don’t like them sometimes. I often don’t see the kind, empathic, courageous person that others tell me they see. I get the punching, screaming banshee who kicks me in the shin because I won’t let her watch a movie as soon as we get home from school. Or the grumpy 2 year old who just lays down and cries instead of saying, “No thank you Mommy, I’d prefer milk instead of water”. Or the two of them deliberately being mean to each other just for the sport of upsetting the other one.

I appreciate that some parents can be honest about their kids and their experiences. I really think the parents who post about the hard times are brave and real and amazing! I also appreciate that most parents truly feel joy just to look upon their beautiful children. I always imagined that would be me.

I have reintroduced Facebook into my life as a tool for this blog and I am slowly learning to appreciate that we all put different filters on our lives, and social media is one place that it happens a lot. I am beginning to have the courage to comment on other people’s posts, and I’m making it a goal to comment back to people who comment on my posts. It’s scary for me! Even though I’m spending the time to write this blog, I’m still fearful that people don’t care what I have to say or that I’ll write the wrong thing. 

My judgement of others is really a judgement of myself. If I find myself making a judgement on someone else, I can usually identify that same trait in myself as something that I’m not proud of or would like to change. I don’t hate that other parents love their children. I wish I felt the same and got the same joy from being in their presence. Hopefully someday I’ll have worked through all this depression and burnout and negativity and I will find joy in merely looking upon my beautiful girls.