Category: About Me

2023

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

It’s been a long while since I posted to my website. I’ve been busy, and not, and list all the excuses here. The truth is, sometimes I just don’t want to share what’s on my mind.

The last 18 months have been an interesting journey as I take a proactive approach to managing my Depression. There are so many pieces to the puzzle and it takes work to stay on top of it all. Then there’s the tasks and events of real life in addition.

I’ve been doing well and feeling more like myself. There is anxiety about relapse and every feeling of fatigue or sadness feels like I’m beginning the downward spiral. I have recently learned that these physical feelings are just sensations that my body feels. I put labels and emotion on them. Being tired is not depression. Feeling overwhelmed is only my body telling me to slow down and think about what needs to be done. It’s so interesting that taking a breath and not allowing my body to go to the heart fluttery nauseous tummy place keeps me in check. The habits, labels, and expectations I’ve put on these anxious feelings has been a big part of the problem all along. I try to be mindful of how my body is feeling.

Other things that have improved for me are not being so selfish in thinking a harsh tone from someone means I’ve done something wrong or disappointed them. This is especially true in my home. Anyone can feel strong emotions and it may not have anything to do with me or the current situation.

I wish I could say that I was able to just change my attitude, but it has taken medication, therapy, exercise, and time for myself to get to where I am. As with anything in life I must enjoy the journey and not long for a finish line. Being content and satisfied happens in the present.

Depression

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

Disclaimer: This is a very personal post and is a description of how I feel during a bad episode of Depression. If you are triggered by talk of depression or suicide, please skip this one. I am currently getting help and am not at risk of harming myself. If you are thinking of harming yourself or someone around you please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800.273.8255. There is nothing glamorous about depression and my words are my way of sharing with others what it’s like for me and that if you also experience depression, you are not alone!

Every day is a rainy stormy day and I want to cozy up in bed and pull the covers over my head. The light hurts my eyes. I have so little control over the thoughts that go through my head that I have to keep my headphones on playing anything that will distract me from the negative words. The smallest upset triggers tears and pain in my chest. I feel out of control, overwhelmed and weak. The things that should bring me joy make me numb or feel guilty. I am a failure as a human. Maybe I shouldn’t be a human anymore.

The world feels foggy and blurry and it’s as if I have weights on my shoulders that make it hard to stand up straight. I don’t understand how everyone keeps going on with their lives when I can barely get myself out bed and I’m instantly irritated by my kids who are too loud and move too fast. I’m supposed to be happy and joyous because my life is so great. I have 2 beautiful daughters and a husband and a house and plenty to eat. Why do I feel like I am a failure at life?

I worry too much about how others feel and what they think. I see a friend and when they ask how I’m doing, I say “I’m good” with my fingers crossed behind my back. I’m convinced that everyone secretly thinks I’m stupid and a horrible person and parent. Their smiles are fake and once I leave they will be relived that they don’t have to be around me anymore.

I’m in a constant state of exhaustion. It doesn’t matter how much sleep I get, which is hard to get due to insomnia. I’m tired and my face hurts and my eyes might fall out of my head from crying. Sometimes I’m too numb to cry. I want to be awake in the night when it’s dark and I want to be asleep during the day because the light is too bright. I want to wear my sunglasses inside. Maybe I can find time for a nap so I don’t have to live this day.

Food is not interesting. It looks gross and it tastes gross. But I know that if I don’t eat my low blood sugar will make me feel worse. So I eat junk, which tastes gross, but who cares?

Now I’m feeling like I won’t survive. I keep thinking, I can’t do this anymore. I’m done. Somehow I claw my way to the end of the day. Victory! I’ve survived the day and I can rest. Well, I wish I could. The voice in my head keeps reminding me that I’m a failure of a human, a mom, a friend. Everyone is disappointed in me because I didn’t get done all the things I needed to get done. It won’t shut up. So I distract myself with a movie, or an audio book or podcast. I’ve been lying in bed for 4 hours now. I’m so tired that I want to cry. And now I’m feeling anxious that tomorrow will be harder because I’m not getting a good night sleep. Now one of the girls is up and I have to go help them. I know once I’m out of bed it will take an hour to fall asleep. My exhaustion finally takes me into unconsciousness. When the alarm goes off, I feel worse than I did yesterday. My nap hasn’t helped ease the fatigue. And now I have to do it all again. The overwhelm is so heavy that I physically feel heavier. I will survive the day because somehow I always do. I think, if I only had a break, but that wont help. Nothing helps.

When I’m in a depressive episode it feels like there’s nothing that will get me out of it. I do all the things. I exercise, I eat healthy, I go outside and get some sun. But I can’t help but succumb and crumble to floor in puddle of sadness and anger. It’s as if a toxic fog has infiltrated my brain and heart. It has soaked through to every cell of me and refuses to release me. Its triumph is the sacrifice of my heart’s love and life.

I know that I am not alone in my experience of depression. Which gives me hope and also makes me sad. I don’t wish feeling like this on any one. I am working on getting better and I know that the journey will have its ups and down. While I don’t need to be a bubbly excited person, I would like to be a functioning person. I want to find joy and confidence and move past fear and constant doubt in myself. I don’t want to fight my physiology anymore. I want to live in the sun and smile just because I’m alive.

Journal Entry 1/28/2020

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

Today I went to a vision planning workshop put on by 2 of the moms at my daughter’s preschool. The women who led it were amazing, inspirational and encouraging as was the experience overall. The goal was to visualize my goals for 2020 and create a vision board inspired by these goals. I had never done a vision board, and I was curious to see how It could help me. There were about 20 women at the workshop and the evening began with introductions and everyone talking about why they were there. It was very intimidating to listen to all the women describe why they were there. I was so scared to start crying I said something very brief and they moved on. I entered the evening in a sad emotional state so I was disappointed in myself right from the start. I didn’t engage anyone in conversation because I decided I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Which was the complete opposite of the purpose of the event. One of the main purposes of the workshop was to make connections and start relationships with other women who are also trying to improve themselves regardless of their individual situations. Next time I will come with a more open attitude about chatting and not assume people don’t want to talk to me, or are not interested in what I have to say.

We did an exercise to identify the things in our life that give us energy and the things that drain our energy. I wish I had had more time to sit with this but I was able to create a good list in the time I had. It was interesting to see that many things on my list give and take energy and exist on both sides of the list. We then tore up the draining list and focused on the energy giving list. 

Next we did a guided visualization about our ideal day 3 years from now. My ideal day involved getting out of my bed that had no kids in it. Making 2 school lunches, then walking 2 girls to elementary school. Then going for a run and following it with a shower. Then I’d have until 5pm to write and do whatever job I am doing in 3 years. I imagined being a health coach and working with clients. Then I picked up the girls at 5pm and we sat down to eat dinner together. A dinner that I cooked, and we talked about our days together. There was no screaming or complaining. Then my husband came home and we read books with the girls and went to bed. The girls in their room and me and my husband in ours. What a great day!

Then we used fabric scraps to create vision boards to represent that future. The colors we chose represented different things, like emotional balance, optimism, or creativity. I chose colors that represent what I want for myself in terms of my family and then for a career or purpose. I threw my vision board together quickly because there were limited scissors and glue, and I was scared to share my thoughts with the other participants. Even so, I think it accurately represents my current emotional state as well as where I want it to be in the future. The edges of the fabrics are raw and uneven like my current life and emotional state, but the fabrics overlap and move towards the middle to represent how family and life overlap. The colors almost look like they are reaching for each other, encouraging me grow and succeed.

The workshop was just what I need right now. Doing the exercises with a room full of women was challenging, but I was reminded that I’m not the only one who is struggling, and no one has this life thing figured out all the time. It has inspired me to continue the exercise on my own and take more time to reflect and continue the endless journey of healing and creating balance in my life.

Parenting is Hard!

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

It is not my intention to tell people how to parent. There are as many different ways to do it as there are families and parents in the world. It is my goal, that by sharing my story, I can help parents find things that work for them. I am still figuring this parenting thing out, and It’s freaking hard!! I often say, “I’ll take all the help I can get!”

As a parent you get to pick and choose what works for you and your family. If something I do doesn’t resonate with you, then just realize that it’s not the right fit and that’s ok. Please don’t judge other parents, especially if you don’t know them. You don’t know their story, and we’re all doing the best that we can. Unless there is an emergency, then you should call 911 and let a professional handle it!

If you are feeling overwhelmed or you feel like you might hurt yourself or your child, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

Many Cities have their own support Hotlines. Here is the one in San Francisco: 24-hour crisis line for parents: 415-441-KIDS