Category: Parenting is Hard

So Many Ways To Show Love

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

I am not big on hugs and loud hellos and goodbyes with my kids. I’m often desperate to hand them off to someone else and get a break. Sometimes the child-free time feels too short and I’m not ready to get back to parenting when I pick them up. I see other parents act so excited to see their kids when they pick them up from school that I have wondered if there’s something wrong with me. 

I know that we all parent differently and this is just how I am right now. I definitely say “I love you” and give them hugs and kisses, but it’s not overly enthusiastic. I know my girls know that I love them because I show it in many different ways. Like cutting their sandwiches into hearts or stars. Just packing them school lunch counts, especially when I’ve gotten up at 6:15am to do it!

Making sure they are fed, dressed, bathed, safe, and get enough sleep are all ways parents show love. If I didn’t care, I’d ignore them and let them fend for themselves. This also contributes to my constant feeling of burnout, but I know it won’t be like this forever. The way I show love will grow and change as they do.

I’ve written this post to remind me that I do love my girls even when I don’t like them sometimes. My hope is that when they’re older and reflect back on their childhood they will have a warm fuzzy feeling and the confident knowledge that their dad and I are proud of them and love them unconditionally. Even when we yell, slam doors, and say things we regret.

When I think of the daily things I do as a parent, I think it’s all just a big “I love you” note! I wipe their nose and butt, cook them foods they like, buy them cute clothes, walk to school twice a day, read the same book over and over, and over. I come running when they shout for help, even when I’m pretty sure it’s just because they want me to get them a snack while they sit comfortably on the couch and watch TV. I carry my 2.5 year old in the backpack carrier for hours because she just wants to be held. I make sure there are always snacks and an extra pair of undies and pants with us wherever we go. I say “I love it!” whenever one of the girls shows me a picture she’s drawn. I let my 2.5 year old “help” me with the laundry. I let my 5 year old jump on the bed. We take the girls to an enclosed track where they can ride their bicycles. We go to the playground. I work at my daughter’s preschool once a week. We take the girls to swim class every week and my husband gets into the pool with our younger daughter. I make sure my older daughter gets to soccer practice on time. Even when she’s screaming at me that I brought the wrong snacks. I stay close when either of them is having a meltdown and just needs to cry. Showing this much love is exhausting!!

Even when I’m feeling down about being a parent, looking at this list reminds me that I do care and love my kids. I might even enjoy being a parent sometimes. If I was truly a bad parent, I wouldn’t care so much about being a good parent. I do care that my girls know that they are loved. It is my only wish that after our lives have played themselves out that my girls can look back and have no doubts about the solid fact that they were and are loved unconditionally by their parents.


My Instagram Family

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

I have an Instagram account (@fennermorgan). I haven’t used it in about 5 years. I recently logged onto it for the purpose of posting my blog. The few photos posted are of my first little girl as a baby (That’s how I know it’s been 5 years). I never got into using instagram because I truly didn’t believe anyone cared what I had to say or show. 

I started using Facebook in 2007 and have continued to use Facebook on and off because I used it as a communication tool for a previous job. I also used to scroll through my feed to see what people I knew were up to. I was too scared to actually contact them directly because, again, I truly believed that they didn’t really care what I had to say or how I was doing.

I quit Facebook last year because it made me sad. When I was already feeling like a failure as a parent, it didn’t help to see other parents post about how beautiful and wonderful their kids are and how much joy and love they brought to their lives. I did not share this sentiment about my own kids and I felt like there was something wrong with me.

I hate the Instagram filter that so many of us put on our lives. I don’t post pictures of my kids because I often can’t think of anything nice to say about them. I also worry that I might post something that they find embarrassing someday. I want to tell everyone that this parenting thing sucks for me, but I don’t want my kids to see it someday and think that I don’t love them. Because I do love them.

When I fell off of Facebook, I was so convinced that I was a failure as a parent because I didn’t feel the same way about my kids as my friends did in their posts. I hope no one takes offense to this, because it’s not about you, it’s about my own self judgement and jealousy about what you have with your children. I do love my kids, but I don’t like them sometimes. I often don’t see the kind, empathic, courageous person that others tell me they see. I get the punching, screaming banshee who kicks me in the shin because I won’t let her watch a movie as soon as we get home from school. Or the grumpy 2 year old who just lays down and cries instead of saying, “No thank you Mommy, I’d prefer milk instead of water”. Or the two of them deliberately being mean to each other just for the sport of upsetting the other one.

I appreciate that some parents can be honest about their kids and their experiences. I really think the parents who post about the hard times are brave and real and amazing! I also appreciate that most parents truly feel joy just to look upon their beautiful children. I always imagined that would be me.

I have reintroduced Facebook into my life as a tool for this blog and I am slowly learning to appreciate that we all put different filters on our lives, and social media is one place that it happens a lot. I am beginning to have the courage to comment on other people’s posts, and I’m making it a goal to comment back to people who comment on my posts. It’s scary for me! Even though I’m spending the time to write this blog, I’m still fearful that people don’t care what I have to say or that I’ll write the wrong thing. 

My judgement of others is really a judgement of myself. If I find myself making a judgement on someone else, I can usually identify that same trait in myself as something that I’m not proud of or would like to change. I don’t hate that other parents love their children. I wish I felt the same and got the same joy from being in their presence. Hopefully someday I’ll have worked through all this depression and burnout and negativity and I will find joy in merely looking upon my beautiful girls.

Self Compassion

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

In the last year I have been working on Self Compassion. Self Compassion is being kind to yourself even when you are faced with personal failings. There have been at least 3 separate times in the last year that someone has mentioned Self Compassion to me as something they think would help me. They specifically recommend watching Kristen Neff’s Ted Talk. You can watch it here. Each time someone tells me about Self Compassion, I practice it for a few weeks, and then forget about it and return to my negative thinking. It seems to me that the universe is trying to tell me to keep practicing and that I really should be nicer to myself. Negative thoughts and self talk don’t serve me. These negative thoughts only make me miserable and I don’t want to be miserable. I want to enjoy my time with my kids, friends and family. 

I don’t want to feel sad or anxious or angry. A little of this is just my personality, but I don’t want to be ruled by it. In the practice of Self Compassion I talk to myself in the way I talk to my friends. I tell them that they are doing a great job at life and as parents. I try to always encourage them. I should treat myself the same way I treat the people I love. I love myself right? It is amazing the horrible things I say to myself. I would never say things like, “you’re a really bad parent,” or, “you suck at life,” to anyone, ever! I think, “they are doing the best they can with what they have.” I should say this to myself (all the time!).

Self Compassion takes practice to become good at it. I can’t just think, “I’m not going to be hard on myself anymore,” and then I’m magically fixed. This is true of so many things in life. For example, I run because I enjoy it and it benefits my mental health. I enjoy the process and the journey of running and I plan to keep doing it as long as my body will let me. It is my running practice. I am trying to practice being nicer to myself and reminding myself that dealing with hard things in life is part of the journey and I have to practice coping and dealing with it. I won’t wake up one day and all of a sudden being a parent will be easy. Even when the girls have grown up and gone off to live their own lives, there will still be challenging times. Whatever the coping mechanism is, it has to be practiced daily. 

It’s funny to think that I have to practice being nice to myself. I believe it’s important though. I do not want my little girls to be like me when they grow up. I want them to be strong and confident and not give a care to what other people think. I want them to love themselves unconditionally and be self compassionate. Sure, we all make mistakes and do things we regret, but I want my girls to be able to learn from it, shake it off and move on. I don’t want them to hold onto failings and ignore the successes like I do. The first step into ensuring that the girls are self compassionate is to model it for them. Having Self Compassion for myself shows them that they should also have Self Compassion. I will tell myself, “I know this is hard, but I can do it!”

Take a Break

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

When I was struggling the most after my second daughter was born I went to therapy. I’ve done therapy on and off as an adult and I’ve always found it to be really helpful. I like the safety of venting about what’s really on my mind to someone who is completely outside of my life. One of my therapists told me, “depression doesn’t care what your situation is”. Any one can get depressed regardless of their financial or family situation. No matter what stresses or opportunities a person has, they can still feel sad or overwhelmed or anxious. Even dads or a partner who didn’t give birth to their child can get postpartum depression. 

I often feel like I have no business feeling down about my girls. I have a great husband and a house and plenty of food. I even have the luxury of being able to stay home with my children and choosing to work part time. Regardless of all this, parenting is hard. I don’t get to clock out at the end of the day. There are always at least 2 people whom I’m responsible for 24/7. Responsible for feeding, clothing, bathing, keeping safe, and showing unconditional love. As I write this, it sounds like it shouldn’t be that hard. But almost 6 years later I’m fried. My saving grace right now is the school day. I finally have a predictable 3 hours a day, 4 days a week to do what I want to do. It’s usually working on this project or one of my other part-time jobs, but I get to do it without distractions. 

Even with these scheduled breaks, I still feel the need to take a break from my kids most evenings and weekends, they are exhausting and require constant supervision. I encourage them to be creative and play on their own, but it often ends in the two of them ripping each other’s hair out (literally!).

While feeling stressed and tired seem to be part of the parenting package, feeling sad and overly fatigued or even just numb don’t have to be my norm. I can feel the sadness just under the surface most days. It creeps through if I get a little too tired or hungry or if I haven’t exercised in a few days. I have learned that I need to ask for help, from my husband or family or a friend. Or even better, book a babysitter!

Postpartum depression is a component of being a parent for me but it does not define my parenting journey. It has been and will continue to be a challenge to overcome. It takes practice to stop judging myself constantly. It takes planned breaks and self care to keep me from going dark and allowing myself to model being healthy for my girls. I choose to prioritize my mental health for me and for my family. When I’m not feeling sad or mad or numb, I have a chance to be a good parent. 

Finding my way out of the fog means taking care of myself by taking a break. It’s not ignoring my kids and family, just taking a little bit of time each day for me. Most days it’s going for a run alone or going to work out with a friend, or eating a meal by myself without someone climbing on me or asking for me to get them something the second I sit down. Talking with a friend for 5 minutes works really well too! These short breaks from my kids are cherished “me time” and are crucial to the quality of my parenting and my enjoyment of life.

My Postpartum Depression

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

The first time I remember feeling really overwhelmed as a parent was when my first daughter was about 6 weeks old. She was a crier. We’d get to 5 or 6 in the evening and she’s start screaming. No amount of rocking, nursing, shushing, singing or patting helped. By about 8 or 9 she’d settle down and then I played the nurse-her-to-sleep game 3 to 5 times throughout the night. I remember sitting on the edge of the bed and crying because I couldn’t soothe her. I had to put her down (in a safe place) and walk out of the room for a few minutes.

With my first daughter I was always tired and hungry and clueless about what to do with this small creature who just wanted to nurse all day everyday. I didn’t have any mommy friends to turn to. I was still working part time, so I at least had contact with adults and the outside world.

When she was about 2 and a half, I really started to have a hard time with her. This was when her “counter will” kicked in full force and she started having thoughts and opinions about everything. Without going into detail about her, the result of this shift in personality was that I felt like a huge jerk and a failure as a parent. No matter what I did, she let me know it was wrong. 

The worst of my depression happened when my second daughter was about 5 months old. The early baby months were easy, because now I knew what I was doing and she was a good sleeper. At around 5 months I found myself feeling exhausted and angry all the time. I resented that the girls took all my time and I started to judge myself severely. I truly believed that I was a horrible mother and that I was ruining my kids. I believed that no one wanted to be around me and that I was not deserving of help. My negative self talk was crushing me. I felt that everyday was a journey of survival to get to bed time. I wanted it all to end. Fortunately, I never acted on my desire.

The endlessness of the days and the overwhelmed feeling was exhausting. I got to the point where I was just numb to everything. There was no joy in being with my girls or doing the things I used to enjoy. 

I am happy to report that I have since found my way out of the thick fog of depression, but it is still something that I have to manage daily. If I get too tired, or hungry I can feel the wisps of fog in my head. I have the strength now to identify the feeling and put up a good fight. I now believe that I am worth loving and I need to take care of myself because I am deserving of it and it makes me a better parent.

Parenting is Hard!

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

It is not my intention to tell people how to parent. There are as many different ways to do it as there are families and parents in the world. It is my goal, that by sharing my story, I can help parents find things that work for them. I am still figuring this parenting thing out, and It’s freaking hard!! I often say, “I’ll take all the help I can get!”

As a parent you get to pick and choose what works for you and your family. If something I do doesn’t resonate with you, then just realize that it’s not the right fit and that’s ok. Please don’t judge other parents, especially if you don’t know them. You don’t know their story, and we’re all doing the best that we can. Unless there is an emergency, then you should call 911 and let a professional handle it!

If you are feeling overwhelmed or you feel like you might hurt yourself or your child, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

Many Cities have their own support Hotlines. Here is the one in San Francisco: 24-hour crisis line for parents: 415-441-KIDS

Big Feelings

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

Parenting is SUPER Hard! One of my goals with this blog is to help shed light on the not so beautiful parts of parenting. Because there are a lot of foggy days! It seems that having kids is something that many of us feel we have to do to feel complete or we might regret not doing it some day. While these feelings might be true, the reality of having kids is nothing like what I envisioned. I daydreamed about having teachable moments and doing art projects and riding bikes with my always smiling children. I dreamed about how much love I would have and the euphoric feeling of bringing a life into the world and never wanting to be away from them. I was nostalgic for the childhood I remember of waffles on Saturdays and camping trips and my parents cheering me on at rowing regattas.

For me, it turned out that being a parent was full of many emotions. The ones that caught me off guard were sadness, anger, rage, frustration, fatigue, loneliness, fear, desperation. 

I have experienced depression and anxiety on and off most of my adult life. I also knew that PostPartum Depression could be a real thing for me once my first child was born. Expecting something and actually experiencing it are very different things. I thought I could manage it if I started to get down after my daughter was born, but I was not prepared for the exhaustion and feeling of being overwhelmed and alone. Even though I was never alone (there was a cute little screaming baby on me 24/7) I was isolated from the world and people who understood what I was going through. In Addition, I was surprised that I didn’t instantly love this helpless creature who couldn’t bear to be away from me. It took a few weeks to bond and eventually I came to really love my daughter. 

Once the excitement of having a newborn wore off, the fog really settled in for me. I was tired, my breasts hurt and leaked, I was still bleeding and I was starving all the time. I was miserable! I kept waiting for the fun part to start. 

This is not the experience for every new mom. This was just my experience. I have now learned that there are coping skills and tools. Taking care of myself is crucial to my survival and to the emotional health of my family. Maybe some of the things that have worked for me can help you. Maybe things that have worked for you can help me. 

I just keep telling myself we’re all just doing the best we can!!