My daughter is struggling right now will feelings of rejection and failure at school. She is using broad generalizations describing how “all the kids tell her that her work is ugly”, or “nobody wants to play with me”. These are horrible things to hear out of your 8 year old’s mouth. It is triggering for me because I think the same things about myself and I’m in my 40s. I don’t want my daughter to have to go through life feeling like she is anything less than perfect. I tell her that “daddy and I will love her no matter what, forever”. I have also tried to give her the mantra: “I’m still learning and that’s ok!” It hasn’t stuck yet, but we’re working on it, and that’s ok!
I know that a part of this distorted thinking is inborn personality, but most of it has to have been learned. Have I been telling her that she’s not good enough? What are my actions that are causing her to think that she has to be perfect in school for people to like her? I’m already freaking out about how difficult middle school and high school will be with cell phones and social media. Kids can be real assholes sometimes. I thought I’d have more time before we had to deal with this.
I have personally been working to reframe my own thought distortions. I often make generalizations like, “no one cares what I have to say”, or “I always say the wrong thing”. When I’m thinking these thoughts, I truly believe them wholeheartedly. When it is pointed out to me that I’ve had this thought, I can realize that, yes, sometimes I say the wrong thing, but most of time I’m on the right track. And there are enough people who care what I have to say. I’m not trying to be famous. Actually, I’d rather not be famous. These thought distortions lead to core beliefs like “I am not worthy of people’s love or attention”. I have held this core belief for my whole life. I am working to shift my thought patterns and reframe the way I talk to myself, but it will take time. I know that I cannot go back and relive the past (I really don’t want to), but I wonder where in my past these thoughts took root and what could I have done differently. Maybe there is an insight that I can use to help my daughters feel confident in their skin regardless of the crap going on around them.
I want to make sure that my daughter changes this thought pattern before it becomes a core belief. We have been having nice conversations lately where she talks about her experiences and I explain to her that the only person who’s opinion matters is her own. She cannot compare herself to anyone else. She is perfect just the way she is, and any “imperfections” make her unique. Anyone who is her real friend will like her for exactly who she is, and she will choose people to be her friends because she is drawn to their uniqueness too. I think the best thing I can do as a parent is keep the communication open. I want her to feel like she can tell me anything and we can talk about the hard stuff. I need her to know that I’m here for her even when it feels like no one else is. We can grow up together and hopefully help each other trust that we are enough.
