Tag: Parenting

Thought Distortions

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

My daughter is struggling right now will feelings of rejection and failure at school. She is using broad generalizations describing how “all the kids tell her that her work is ugly”, or “nobody wants to play with me”. These are horrible things to hear out of your 8 year old’s mouth. It is triggering for me because I think the same things about myself and I’m in my 40s. I don’t want my daughter to have to go through life feeling like she is anything less than perfect. I tell her that “daddy and I will love her no matter what, forever”. I have also tried to give her the mantra: “I’m still learning and that’s ok!” It hasn’t stuck yet, but we’re working on it, and that’s ok!

I know that a part of this distorted thinking is inborn personality, but most of it has to have been learned. Have I been telling her that she’s not good enough? What are my actions that are causing her to think that she has to be perfect in school for people to like her? I’m already freaking out about how difficult middle school and high school will be with cell phones and social media. Kids can be real assholes sometimes. I thought I’d have more time before we had to deal with this.

I have personally been working to reframe my own thought distortions. I often make generalizations like, “no one cares what I have to say”, or “I always say the wrong thing”. When I’m thinking these thoughts, I truly believe them wholeheartedly. When it is pointed out to me that I’ve had this thought, I can realize that, yes, sometimes I say the wrong thing, but most of time I’m on the right track. And there are enough people who care what I have to say. I’m not trying to be famous. Actually, I’d rather not be famous. These thought distortions lead to core beliefs like “I am not worthy of people’s love or attention”. I have held this core belief for my whole life. I am working to shift my thought patterns and reframe the way I talk to myself, but it will take time. I know that I cannot go back and relive the past (I really don’t want to), but I wonder where in my past these thoughts took root and what could I have done differently. Maybe there is an insight that I can use to help my daughters feel confident in their skin regardless of the crap going on around them.

I want to make sure that my daughter changes this thought pattern before it becomes a core belief. We have been having nice conversations lately where she talks about her experiences and I explain to her that the only person who’s opinion matters is her own. She cannot compare herself to anyone else. She is perfect just the way she is, and any “imperfections” make her unique. Anyone who is her real friend will like her for exactly who she is, and she will choose people to be her friends because she is drawn to their uniqueness too. I think the best thing I can do as a parent is keep the communication open. I want her to feel like she can tell me anything and we can talk about the hard stuff. I need her to know that I’m here for her even when it feels like no one else is. We can grow up together and hopefully help each other trust that we are enough.

Anger

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

I have written a dozen or so blog posts in the last year, but I have not published any of them. This last year and half has just been too emotionally challenging for me and my family. My girls were home from school and we spent all day every day with each other. My husband has been working from home exclusively as well. I hope that in the future I look back and think how lucky I was to have spent so much time with my girls when they were little. Right now, all I feel is frustration, resentment and anger. I’m angry that our lives were disrupted by the pandemic. I’m angry that both of my girls seem to be behind in their social emotional development. I’m angry that it feels like my fault because their only model for how to be human for a year was a grumpy depressed mommy who is resentful of having to put her life on hold to take care of two girls who are whiney and often ungrateful for the sacrifice she has made.

Now that the girls are finally back in school I have the opportunity to do some therapy. I finally have a chance to breath and take care of myself. For so long I pushed all the emotions down and chose not to feel anything. Now that I have some free time, the flood gates are opening wide and I often find myself crying for undefined reasons. I know that I need to deal with all the frustrations as a result of the pandemic, but it’s hard and usually doesn’t feel very good.

One of the things I am working on right now is understanding that my negative feelings are fueling my anger. It’s like my anger is the tip of a huge iceberg, and below the surface are all the negative emotions I have been feeling since March 2020. It has been interesting to reflect back on the last 18 months and realize that all the times that I was screaming at my kids was partly the result of all the underlying feelings that feed my anger. I am frustrated that I had to quit working just as I was beginning to go back to work. I’m mad that I had been doing so much work emotionally to get through my postpartum depression only to have to shut myself away in quarantine. I’m stressed that my girls will get behind socially and academically. I’m sad that my daughter keeps screaming at me and I don’t know how to help her. I’m grieving for the friendships that I have lost and those I am not cultivating because I’m too shy to reach out to anyone. I’m tired of always being with my family and not having any time alone. I’m anxious about letting my family back out into the world where they could get sick and possibly have health consequences for the rest of their lives. And on and on until I’m drowning in a sea of despair.

I know that the pandemic is far from over. But at least there is hope again. I know that there are safe environments to be with people. Going to the store or sitting outside at a restaurant are not dangerous. My girls are used to wearing masks and I feel that the risk of going to school is worth it, not only for their emotional and academic health but also for mine. I am also able to reflect in the moment about what is feeding my anger (some of the time), which is helping me to have space for my girls when they are angry. While the patience is still not unlimited, there is a little more of it to be found. I am finding that I am able to help my girls a little more with their own anger, even if all I can do is notice that the tantrum is a result of anger (with it’s underlying emotions). I am also learning to reframe my thinking in ways that defuse my anger. This morning I chose to get out of bed to help my girls get ready and be on time for school. Today I get to do laundry and dishes and make dinner. Hopefully I’ll continue to learn techniques for quieting my anger. For now, I’m choosing to be proud of myself for trying.

April 2020

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

As the Shelter-in-place order continued, I experienced so many emotions. The “new normal” settled in and I had a hard time wrapping my brain around it. I had spent so much energy trying to find ways to cope with being a parent before the pandemic and most of my strategies involved spending time away from my girls. Once that opportunity was taken away I immediately began to struggle. April was full of challenges and scary emotions. My journal from April helps me to see that we’ve come a long way in the last few months.

Thursday April 2

I’m feeling hopeless and useless today, and for the first time since this shelter-in-place business started I’m feeling truly depressed. I’m scared because I’m feeling exactly how I did 2 years ago when I was deep in my postpartum depression and just surviving each day. I get to the end of the day and I am so grateful because I’ve made it. When I wake up in the morning the sense of overwhelm and sadness causes my heart to race and my head hurts and the light is too bright. I want to stay in bed all day and hide. But I can’t because there are 2 little girls jumping on me. I don’t even have the option to call the babysitter, or go to the zoo or playground. We could go for a walk or bike ride, but no chance of meeting up with friends to play. There is rarely a chance to talk to adults either. Any time I try to talk with someone on the phone or video call or even from the window, my older daughter switches into freak out mode and starts screaming and running around like an insane monkey. I’m exhausted by lunchtime and even when my husband is done working I’m still on the job. Not until I’m asleep do I get an actual break. I have done minimal writing or work on my pre-quarantine projects.

The girls are emotional too. But I can’t help them because I don’t have the patience. My older daughter needs to kick and scream and call me names to get her emotions out and I can’t handle it. My younger daughter needs to rage too. Her last tantrum involved all the curse words I say under my breath. At least she’s using the words properly.

I’m not sure how we’re going to get through this. I know we will, but it’s not going to be pretty. My older daughter refuses to do school work, or even just read or write.

Sunday April 5

Today was rough. I keep thinking it should be easier with two parents on duty, but I think it’s actually harder. I think we both get triggered by different things and our tolerance and patience are at different levels and we handle situations differently based on that. I am not as strict about setting and holding a limit. Which means I tend to get walked on by the girls more than he does. But being so strict doesn’t feel good to me. I want to give my girls a chance before I follow through with the consequences. My husband is good at holding his limit and not giving in to crying. He does know when to back off and just give her a hug too. I am more likely to get frustrated and mad and need to walk away when the girls need me to just stop and hug them. It’s hard to know the difference when I’m so angry and don’t want anyone to touch me. When there are 2 of us parenting I also don’t react as fast to the screaming. When it’s just me 5 days a week I know that I have to drop everything every time they start screaming or call for help. On the weekend I can wait and see if daddy will help first.

Now, at the end if the day, we are both exhausted and desperate for the girls to go to sleep. Not only do we need to get some sleep, but we need to get the household tasks done that we couldn’t do during the day. We spent all day with two girls who are going stir crazy from the rain and being home from school. They need their schools and teachers and friends. They need their swim class and rock climbing and gymnastics and soccer and the play dates. I need a break!

Thursday April 9

The last few days have been emotional. After next week my husband will be furloughed and will no longer be working.

Tuesday April 14

Keeping up with my journal has proven to be a challenge. My days are maxed out with my 2 girls and any down time I have is spent sleeping or vegging. I’m not in the mood to write because it means I have to sit with my emotions and feelings, and when I’m tired, it doesn’t feel good. I’m wiped out. My older daughter has begun distance learning and is now required to finish her assignments and upload them to her teacher’s website. We are 3 days in and we’re already 13 assignments behind. I know that it’s only Kindergarten and it doesn’t really matter, but I’m the kind of person who turns in all her homework. The fact that I can’t zero it out at the end of the day drives my anxiety sky high.

My younger daughter is starting to behave badly now because I can’t give her attention all the time. I have to help sissy on the computer so little sissy goes crazy and acts out, and now I’m super overwhelmed and I’m screaming at both of them and we are all crying.

The silver lining is that my big girl can now rollerskate and my little girl is about to learn to ride a peddle bike all by herself. I’m getting into pretty good running shape (even if my waistline is expanding). 

One day at a time. 

Friday April 17

Today is my younger daughter’s 3rd Birthday. I think we managed to make it a special day. I think that a 3 year old won’t really remember sheltering-in-place let alone her 3rd birthday. She got to do a zoom meeting with her preschool class mates, but we didn’t get her a present. Fortunately, her uncle and grandma sent packages and saved the day! Maybe next year it will be safe enough to have a birthday party.

Monday April 27

It’s been awhile since I wrote anything. I can’t seem to manage to write more than a few sentences anyway.

I have Zoom fatigue. And so do my kids. Interacting with people via video is just not the same as real life. I can’t stand watching my older daughter make faces into the camera. She even starts licking the camera (This has happened many times). She can’t stay focused and I get embarrassed and frustrated. We’ve actually stopped joining most meetings. My younger daughter just walks away and leaves an empty frame. I can’t find my voice when I’m on a meeting. I don’t normally speak up anyway, but this platform exaggerates my anxiety and self conciseness. If I am on a social meeting, I don’t know how to excuse myself. I can do one on one, but even then, it’s awkward. I even feel it talking to my mom sometimes. This is one of the reason’s I hate talking on the phone. Anytime there is silence, I get nervous. I’m ready to have real life dates with friends. I’m ready for my girls to be able to be around people again. I hope they don’t come out of this socially stunted (I know they wont, kids are incredibly adaptable).

March 2020

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

It has been 5 months since I’ve posted to my Blog. When the world shut down for the pandemic, so did I. I was able to muster enough strength to care for my family and that was all. I came to terms with the fact that I was not going to be able to continue my Blog for the time being. I also found that when I was writing, I was actively experiencing tough emotions. Since I had no bandwidth to deal with the heavy emotions, I didn’t. But now I’m ready to get back to it. The following is a journal that I kept during shelter-in-place in an effort to document my experience and keep writing (with the hope of publishing it later when I was ready).

Thursday March 19

We are 6 days into the covid-19 shelter-in-place, which officially started 3 days ago, but school closed last Friday and that’s when I feel that this ordeal began. I am only starting my journal now because the last week has been so chaotic and overwhelming that I only just now thought to start a journal about it. The 4 of us are at home for the next 2.5 weeks, but it is very likely that this will last through May. The situation is this: the schools are closed, all not-essential businesses are closed and we are strongly encouraged to stay at home and only go out for food or medicine. We can go out to exercise but need to stay at least 6 feet away from other people. This is to reduce the speed of the spread of the covid-19 virus so the health care system doesn’t get overwhelmed with patients. This allows people who get really sick a chance to be treated and reduces the risk of death from the virus. I am 100% on board for “flattening the curve”. But the emotional strain is overwhelming! I am with my kids 24/7. I get some breaks when my husband takes a break from work, but that’s it. I can stay up late (like I’m doing right now) to do my work or I can choose to not do it at all. Everything I’ve been working on for the last 6 months is just put aside. There’s no time to do it. I am all mom and no Morgan. I know that as we adjust to this new normal I will be able to figure out how to fit in my stuff eventually. But for now I am trying to be compassionate to myself and take advantage of spending the time with my girls, who are learning to play together. Each day the hair pulling and biting and hitting is less. And today they had a good game of Mommy and baby going together. I was even able to do some cooking today without tripping on a kid and policing the fighting. 

This situation has brought out a lot of different emotions in me. Fear for my family and the world. Anxiety for our financial future. Concern for my friends and their well being. I miss my mom and sister and wish I could go see them. We had a pretty good day today, but I worry about my depression setting in. We have to stay active and eat healthy. We need to get our homework done (mine and my daughter’s). We will get through this!

Friday, March 20

Today was Rough! I stayed up too late last night having kid-free time and today I’m too tired. My drippy nose is not helping. We did start the day with a run which I’m so grateful for!! We had a video call date with my younger daughter’s teacher and her daughter. It was so cute and lovely to see her, until my older daughter started freaking out and screaming and hitting the phone and then licking my phone. We had to end the call because I couldn’t get her to call down. I was so sad after we hung up because I really wanted to talk to our teacher and it was so cute watching our little daughters show each other their stuffies and toys. I was also really embarrassed. My older daughter does this every time we get on a video call. It’s like she doesn’t know how to act so she goes bonkers. Maybe it has to do with me giving someone else my attention. We’re going to have to get used to video calls because that’s one of the only ways we get to see people for awhile. Tomorrow is the weekend, but it will be more of the same. Hopefully my husband and I can tag team a bit so we both get some stuff done and a break.

Saturday March 21

Today I got to go for a 6 mile run in Golden Gate Park with a friend (6 feet apart). It was so good to be out and talking with my friend and feeling supported and relaxed. While I am naturally introverted, I am feeling the isolation of not being able to see people in person. It is funny to think that if I didn’t have kids, shelter-in-place would seem perfectly lovely for me. I wouldn’t have to leave the house or talk to people. I could work on my stuff and watch grown-up tv whenever I wanted.

Back to today. We had a good day. My husband and I were able to get some cleaning and other stuff done around the house. We took turns listening for the girls to start screaming at each other. I had the energy to intervene in constructive ways instead of going straight to yelling. I even convinced my kindergartner to do some homework. We watched Star Wars and had a pretty nice day. Hopefully tomorrow the girls will let us sleep in a little. I’ve stayed up too late again.

Sunday March 22

We did pretty well again today. I got to sleep in and my husband made breakfast. Then we went for a bike ride. The girls went in the trailer behind daddy’s bike. I was surprised at how crazy it was out by the ocean. There were so many people out it looked like a normal spring Sunday. My husband said he thought it looked like people were keeping 6 feet apart, but it was tricky to dodge all the people. Riding in the traffic was a bit uncomfortable, but the ride was great.

Exercising had been my saving grace through this crazy time. I still think I’ve already gained 3 pounds from all the stress baking I’m doing. Getting enough sleep is also going to be crucial for my mental health. When I get tired I just get grumpy and mopey. But today was great because my husband and I could take turns watching the girls. We both got naps while the other played with the girls.

Back to Monday again tomorrow. My daughter’s kindergarten class is doing a daily reading group at 1 so we’ll see how that goes. Hopefully she won’t go crazy seeing her friends. Good thing I know how to mute our window in Zoom. 

Still wrapping my head around the fact that we probably won’t be going back to school any time soon. I hope I can find a way to help my daughter enjoy reading. I don’t want her to fall behind because I get tired of helping her to do her school work.

Tuesday March 24

Today was challenging. I was so tired from the second I got up that I was just grumpy. After breakfast I took the girls for a long walk to the park to climb trees and scooter. It started out well but before we got to the trees my older daughter started telling me she was bored and that she didn’t want to ride her scooter any more. When we finally got to the trees my older daughter just wanted to tell me that I was a bad mommy and that I ruined everything. Then there was another boy who wanted to climb the trees and I had to pull my daughter off the tree because she was getting too close. I felt like such a jerk. Not only to my daughter but to the little boy climbing the tree. My daughter continued to say mean things to me and I continued to get more grumpy. We limped our way home on the scooters until I finally just put them both in the stroller and busted home. 

Wednesday March 25

Today the school announced that it will be closed until May 1st. Which is not surprising as there has been a lot of talk about not opening again until the summer. It just sucks for it to be official. 

This morning we all imploded. Both girls and both parents had meltdowns at the same time and no one could help anyone. My husband told me he couldn’t do this anymore and he took the day off work. We managed to regroup and had a pretty good day together. We got some stuff done around the house and the girls managed to play together without killing each other. 

Thursday March 26

Today I am weepy. I just need to cry. I’m tired from being up late at a preschool Board meeting. My husband told me that we did a reset yesterday and that I shouldn’t be sad. But it takes more than one day to get through these things. I have emotions everyday and I need to get them out. Just because I’m sad doesn’t mean I’m in crisis mode. 

Journal Entry 2/6/2020

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

The calm never lasts. I’ve had a few good days, so it’s about time for a melt down. I have hired a babysitter for 2 hours tonight so I can get some stuff done. By stuff, I mean writing this blog. I haven’t had time to sit, edit and publish anything in 2 months. I was hoping to get some posts polished and posted tonight.

At 5:00pm when the babysitter arrived, both girls broke down and started crying and screaming. I was torn between letting the babysitter go home while I held my crying girls so they could empty their emotional backpacks, and just telling the babysitter “good luck!” and leaving. Ultimately, I gave the girls half an hour of my precious free time and they thankfully calmed down. My younger daughter started screaming again as soon as I handed her over to the babysitter, but I know it won’t last. Once she sees there is fun to be had, she’ll forget about being upset and dive in. I also know that as long as I hold her she’ll keep crying. It’s like she wants to make sure I’m good and guilty before I finally let her go. I get it though, mommy’s arms are cozy and safe. I wish my mom could just hold me forever too.

I hate to have these moments in front of other people. Especially when the person is my 13 year old neighbor who is great at playing, but hasn’t learned about managing a tantruming 2 and 6 year old (at the same time). She is great though! I am often impressed that such a young person can handle my highly emotional children.

On the bright side, I did do one thing well tonight. I had the presence of mind to have self compassion. I took the time to acknowledge that this moment is hard when I was in it and took a deep breath. I was able to remind myself that my older daughter has been building toward a big emotional unloading for a few days now. I was able to find patience by slowing down and letting go of the embarrassment I was feeling and the frustration of losing my precious free time. I knew that if I took a few more minutes to listen to my daughter while she raged, she’d move through it faster and have a better time with the babysitter.

Now that I’ve had a moment to process and cool down, I’m proud of myself for managing the situation. I think I did the best that I could do in that moment and I don’t feel like I can say that very often. Now I’m off the get some stuff done.

I Am Grateful

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

I don’t want my blog to be a total bummer and I don’t want people to get the impression that I hate being a parent or my kids all the time. As the Holiday season begins and I am looking forward to spending time with my extended family I am reminded that there are many things that I do like and love about my kids and being a parent.

I have really enjoyed watching my girls grow and mature. It’s so much more fun to hang out with them when we can have a conversation. They ask good questions and it’s interesting to know what they are curious about. I love their little voices and how they mispronounce certain words. My younger daughter used to ask me to “hold you” when she wanted me to hold her. Then as she realized that the word that represented her was “me” she added it to the sentence and asked us to “hold you me”! It was super cute even when I was frustrated with her.

I have also been thankful for their strength, both physical and emotional. My older daughter can do the monkey bars and climb street sign poles to the top and can jump off of high things. While this all sounds dangerous, to me it represents the fact that she doesn’t see these things as hard. She has the courage to try and limited fear about getting hurt. Fear of getting hurt has been a huge limiting factor in my own life. I hate to do a lot of “fun” things because I’m scared to get hurt. My daughter falls off her bicycle and dusts off the dirt and gets back on and keeps going. We often talk about being ready to “try again”. I’m really thankful that she has the courage to try again and I’m thankful for her for teaching me how to have courage.

I am grateful for my parent friends and the school communities that my children belong to. I am so thankful that there are people near me who are experiencing the same struggles that I am. I wish it was easy and lovely all the time for everyone, but it’s not, and I’m grateful to everyone who shares with me all the good and bad stuff they deal with everyday. I’m grateful to all the parents and friends who listen to me talk about all the ups and downs too! Without your support and encouragement, I wouldn’t be able to do this parent thing.

I am thankful for old friends. Thank you to my friends who have continued to check in with me and continued to make a place for me in your life! I am not good at keeping in touch, and friendships seem to be hard to maintain when we don’t live near each other. But I am so thankful that I have friends who send me a text or email out of the blue just to tell me that they are thinking of me. It’s amazing how uplifting it is to know people are thinking of me.

I’m especially grateful to my family. My mom, sister and husband are the life net that keeps me from hitting the ground and breaking my neck! I know that my mom will always love me unconditionally. (I know my dad does too, but sadly he’s not around anymore to tell me). I know that my sister will always be on my side and that I’ll be on her’s. I also know that I can call her 24/7 and she’ll always be happy I called. I’m grateful to my husband because he will have the hard conversations with me even though it hurts, because we know it has to happen and we’ll be stronger when we’re done. He values our partnership above all else and loves and supports me through good and bad.

Some other little things I’m thankful for this time of year are shorter days and warmer blankets. I’m thankful for seeing my extended family and continuing Holiday traditions that we’ve had since I was a baby. I love to eat good food and watch the rain from the comfort of my living room window. I’m thankful for the opportunities to teach my girls our Holiday traditions and to create new ones. I am thankful for this internet platform to share my thoughts with the world and to those of you who have taken the time to read it. I am grateful that I can find healing and some moments of peace in this crazy journey.

So Many Ways To Show Love

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

I am not big on hugs and loud hellos and goodbyes with my kids. I’m often desperate to hand them off to someone else and get a break. Sometimes the child-free time feels too short and I’m not ready to get back to parenting when I pick them up. I see other parents act so excited to see their kids when they pick them up from school that I have wondered if there’s something wrong with me. 

I know that we all parent differently and this is just how I am right now. I definitely say “I love you” and give them hugs and kisses, but it’s not overly enthusiastic. I know my girls know that I love them because I show it in many different ways. Like cutting their sandwiches into hearts or stars. Just packing them school lunch counts, especially when I’ve gotten up at 6:15am to do it!

Making sure they are fed, dressed, bathed, safe, and get enough sleep are all ways parents show love. If I didn’t care, I’d ignore them and let them fend for themselves. This also contributes to my constant feeling of burnout, but I know it won’t be like this forever. The way I show love will grow and change as they do.

I’ve written this post to remind me that I do love my girls even when I don’t like them sometimes. My hope is that when they’re older and reflect back on their childhood they will have a warm fuzzy feeling and the confident knowledge that their dad and I are proud of them and love them unconditionally. Even when we yell, slam doors, and say things we regret.

When I think of the daily things I do as a parent, I think it’s all just a big “I love you” note! I wipe their nose and butt, cook them foods they like, buy them cute clothes, walk to school twice a day, read the same book over and over, and over. I come running when they shout for help, even when I’m pretty sure it’s just because they want me to get them a snack while they sit comfortably on the couch and watch TV. I carry my 2.5 year old in the backpack carrier for hours because she just wants to be held. I make sure there are always snacks and an extra pair of undies and pants with us wherever we go. I say “I love it!” whenever one of the girls shows me a picture she’s drawn. I let my 2.5 year old “help” me with the laundry. I let my 5 year old jump on the bed. We take the girls to an enclosed track where they can ride their bicycles. We go to the playground. I work at my daughter’s preschool once a week. We take the girls to swim class every week and my husband gets into the pool with our younger daughter. I make sure my older daughter gets to soccer practice on time. Even when she’s screaming at me that I brought the wrong snacks. I stay close when either of them is having a meltdown and just needs to cry. Showing this much love is exhausting!!

Even when I’m feeling down about being a parent, looking at this list reminds me that I do care and love my kids. I might even enjoy being a parent sometimes. If I was truly a bad parent, I wouldn’t care so much about being a good parent. I do care that my girls know that they are loved. It is my only wish that after our lives have played themselves out that my girls can look back and have no doubts about the solid fact that they were and are loved unconditionally by their parents.


My Instagram Family

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

I have an Instagram account (@fennermorgan). I haven’t used it in about 5 years. I recently logged onto it for the purpose of posting my blog. The few photos posted are of my first little girl as a baby (That’s how I know it’s been 5 years). I never got into using instagram because I truly didn’t believe anyone cared what I had to say or show. 

I started using Facebook in 2007 and have continued to use Facebook on and off because I used it as a communication tool for a previous job. I also used to scroll through my feed to see what people I knew were up to. I was too scared to actually contact them directly because, again, I truly believed that they didn’t really care what I had to say or how I was doing.

I quit Facebook last year because it made me sad. When I was already feeling like a failure as a parent, it didn’t help to see other parents post about how beautiful and wonderful their kids are and how much joy and love they brought to their lives. I did not share this sentiment about my own kids and I felt like there was something wrong with me.

I hate the Instagram filter that so many of us put on our lives. I don’t post pictures of my kids because I often can’t think of anything nice to say about them. I also worry that I might post something that they find embarrassing someday. I want to tell everyone that this parenting thing sucks for me, but I don’t want my kids to see it someday and think that I don’t love them. Because I do love them.

When I fell off of Facebook, I was so convinced that I was a failure as a parent because I didn’t feel the same way about my kids as my friends did in their posts. I hope no one takes offense to this, because it’s not about you, it’s about my own self judgement and jealousy about what you have with your children. I do love my kids, but I don’t like them sometimes. I often don’t see the kind, empathic, courageous person that others tell me they see. I get the punching, screaming banshee who kicks me in the shin because I won’t let her watch a movie as soon as we get home from school. Or the grumpy 2 year old who just lays down and cries instead of saying, “No thank you Mommy, I’d prefer milk instead of water”. Or the two of them deliberately being mean to each other just for the sport of upsetting the other one.

I appreciate that some parents can be honest about their kids and their experiences. I really think the parents who post about the hard times are brave and real and amazing! I also appreciate that most parents truly feel joy just to look upon their beautiful children. I always imagined that would be me.

I have reintroduced Facebook into my life as a tool for this blog and I am slowly learning to appreciate that we all put different filters on our lives, and social media is one place that it happens a lot. I am beginning to have the courage to comment on other people’s posts, and I’m making it a goal to comment back to people who comment on my posts. It’s scary for me! Even though I’m spending the time to write this blog, I’m still fearful that people don’t care what I have to say or that I’ll write the wrong thing. 

My judgement of others is really a judgement of myself. If I find myself making a judgement on someone else, I can usually identify that same trait in myself as something that I’m not proud of or would like to change. I don’t hate that other parents love their children. I wish I felt the same and got the same joy from being in their presence. Hopefully someday I’ll have worked through all this depression and burnout and negativity and I will find joy in merely looking upon my beautiful girls.

Self Compassion

Posted on by Morgan Fenner

In the last year I have been working on Self Compassion. Self Compassion is being kind to yourself even when you are faced with personal failings. There have been at least 3 separate times in the last year that someone has mentioned Self Compassion to me as something they think would help me. They specifically recommend watching Kristen Neff’s Ted Talk. You can watch it here. Each time someone tells me about Self Compassion, I practice it for a few weeks, and then forget about it and return to my negative thinking. It seems to me that the universe is trying to tell me to keep practicing and that I really should be nicer to myself. Negative thoughts and self talk don’t serve me. These negative thoughts only make me miserable and I don’t want to be miserable. I want to enjoy my time with my kids, friends and family. 

I don’t want to feel sad or anxious or angry. A little of this is just my personality, but I don’t want to be ruled by it. In the practice of Self Compassion I talk to myself in the way I talk to my friends. I tell them that they are doing a great job at life and as parents. I try to always encourage them. I should treat myself the same way I treat the people I love. I love myself right? It is amazing the horrible things I say to myself. I would never say things like, “you’re a really bad parent,” or, “you suck at life,” to anyone, ever! I think, “they are doing the best they can with what they have.” I should say this to myself (all the time!).

Self Compassion takes practice to become good at it. I can’t just think, “I’m not going to be hard on myself anymore,” and then I’m magically fixed. This is true of so many things in life. For example, I run because I enjoy it and it benefits my mental health. I enjoy the process and the journey of running and I plan to keep doing it as long as my body will let me. It is my running practice. I am trying to practice being nicer to myself and reminding myself that dealing with hard things in life is part of the journey and I have to practice coping and dealing with it. I won’t wake up one day and all of a sudden being a parent will be easy. Even when the girls have grown up and gone off to live their own lives, there will still be challenging times. Whatever the coping mechanism is, it has to be practiced daily. 

It’s funny to think that I have to practice being nice to myself. I believe it’s important though. I do not want my little girls to be like me when they grow up. I want them to be strong and confident and not give a care to what other people think. I want them to love themselves unconditionally and be self compassionate. Sure, we all make mistakes and do things we regret, but I want my girls to be able to learn from it, shake it off and move on. I don’t want them to hold onto failings and ignore the successes like I do. The first step into ensuring that the girls are self compassionate is to model it for them. Having Self Compassion for myself shows them that they should also have Self Compassion. I will tell myself, “I know this is hard, but I can do it!”